Sometimes...

I sometimes wish I didn't care about people's problems that have nothing to do with me. But as a friend, I have to just to show that I'm always there and to understand what's up. When things go down hard, that's when it doesn't look so easy to me anymore. Where you're caught up in someone's problem and they expect you to comfort them in any way...it kind of sucks. You don't know what to say back when it gets worse. The best you can do is listen knowing you don't have the right words to say about it.

I hate that feeling only because as a person I feel useless towards them when comes to it. If there was a way where I'd find the right advice to give them, I'd definitely do so. Up to this point, I'm at a loss of words. I feel like getting out of it, but I'd hate to see the person suffer. It starts to get to me each time I think of it. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm feeling like poop now.

This is why I hate drama with a passion. I've been over with this a LONG time ago. This is such childish bullcrap. People come and drag you into their problems is something I have a problem with. There's a difference between helping someone with a problem and being a part of it. I didn't realize that I'd get caught being a part of it when I should have done something to ease the situation. What the hell can I do? I obviously didn't know what was going on. So I didn't want to take the risk of saying anything. Blah blah whatever. I want to run away from all of this even if it's not the best solution to do. I kind of want to ignore everything.

I wish I didn't answer that phone call otherwise I wouldn't have this bother me. Oh well, things like this just happens unexpectedly. I just wish it didn't happen to me this time. Although I dislike the person, the least I could have done is listen and I refused to be there. Wow, talk about being heartless, huh?

Agitated

There are two things that bother me at this moment:

• Having a best friend's ex call me out of nowhere SOBBING over something that has nothing to do with me.
• Finding out that a best friend doesn't tell me things anymore.

Let's start with the first. A few hours back, I had a phone call from Nicole's ex-boyfriend, Steven. I'm not sure if they're still an item after these two years, but I'll say he's an ex for now. Anyway, so he calls me crying his eyes out over something that happened at a talent show. This was my first time hearing him cry that hard and the conversation went awkward. Basically at the end of Nicole's performance comes an unexpected kiss between her and some guy name Mando. I thought the kiss was on the cheeks, but it turns out it was on the lips which obviously the audience saw. One of Steven's friends recorded the video and sent it to his phone, which lead him crying in tears. During the conversation, I tried calming him down and comforted him for a bit.

...that was a fail, really.

He was so upset that he's going to stop calling her and block her out of his life. Now when I heard that, I had a feeling of relief because I dislike the punk. I find this as karma for what he has done to Nicole from the past. But at the same time, I felt pretty horrible for the kid. I didn't want to come off as a b*tch and put our differences aside. He knows that I have a problem with him, but he didn't have anyone to turn to. Lucky me...I had to be that person to consult with. That 10 minute conversation was too much that I had to leave the call. So I called Edgar, Nicole's best friend over the situation and he also knew of what went on. I found out that his little sister used to date Mando and she'll be unhappy with the news he's about to tell her. Yikes. I won't be surprised if everyone will know by morning.

As I was speaking to Edgar, he and I both agreed that Nicole hasn't talked to us about anything as much. In fact I found out that she's been spending time with her ex best friend, Brea whom I disliked a few years back. I believe she was also in the performance with Nicole. I had no problem with that, but I guess I felt a little jealous knowing I can't physically be there since I'm an hour away. I've tried calling her recently and even a few hours ago; Never picked up any of my calls. I'll understand that she's been busy, but I can at least get some calls once in a while. It's been 3 weeks and I find that too long to be apart to be honest. I don't know what to feel other than feeling agitated sometimes...or just mostly neglected. Edgar continues to tell me that every time he and Nicole hangs out, she invites Brea along. From that point, I realized that they're getting closer while she and I are kind of fading out. Blah, eff this crap.

First off, I want nothing to do with what's going on between Steven and Nicole. That's not my concern and never will be. I find it annoying for Steven to call me randomly for his crap when I rarely speak to the guy. He knows I dislike him, so why should I care? It sucks that he has no one to turn to, but I don't want to be someone to him. I'd rather have NOTHING to do with the kid because he's gawd damn immature and selfish. You can say I have this slight grudge towards him and it's getting quite strong now. I don't know what to do with Nicole right now. I have absolutely no idea what goes on in her life these days. I always have to find out through someone else, which is annoying. I've done my part on trying to reach her and sadly I don't get anything back. Oh freaking well then. I'm just going to let this pass and move on. It's not like I haven't gone through this crap before.

Flashback

It's always great to open up to others about things that have dragged you down before. That's a sign that you're connecting with people through those experiences if their situation has to do with what has happened to you. At first, it was difficult to open up to people about my problems either because I was too afraid that they'll judge me right off the bat or I was too shy. There's always a point in our lives where we have to eventually open our heart out in order to release the pain and sorrow we've felt for a while.

...and thank God it happened to me.

I was at an ACE program held at UCLA where it was a 3 day workshop on building your leadership skills while connecting with people you usually don't speak to at school. This was back in both 2006 and 2007. There was an activity at the end of the 3rd day where everyone was gathered in a circle with what seemed to be a 'bonfire', except there was no fire. The objective was to look deep inside of yourself and talk about an experience that has shaped the person you are and why. So I've heard people's stories that were related to drugs, death, abandonment, etc. Believe me, it was tough hearing those because you can never imagine those people who seemed like normal individuals to experience anything like it. But I guess everyone has their own secrets.

People shed tears and as I was looking around, my heart was beating faster than the limit. An adrenaline rush was sinking in, urging me to speak up about my own. I was hesitant about it, thinking that I'm going to cry before I speak of part of my past. With bravery and encouragement, I finally decided to get up and speak. All eyes were on me for about 5-10 minutes. I knew that I had to eventually get it over with.

I spoke about my late aunt, who died of Ovarian Cancer [which I briefly talked about a few blogs back]. I told them about her story and the connection she and I had. She was like a mother, but from a far distance. I wasn't able to see her for years and to hear about her passing, I was devastated. I can never see her again...or at least that what I thought at the time. After I sat back down, I was already crying to the point where it reminded me of my lolo's passing in 2003. That was the first time I cried so hard for someone and that only happens if that person was very close to my heart. People gave me comfort as I put my head down and continue to shed tears. At the end of the day, I felt a whole lot better and thought to myself that opening up to that many people was quite a challenge. I was thankful that I took that challenge because otherwise I would not be able to open up to certain people today.

To this day, I still can't open up to my parents about my life. I feel that they'll look at it as a joke or something they think isn't worth talking about. What's the point of even doing so? I know that you're suppose to have a connection to your parents in order to build better communication and trust, but with my own...it's not necessarily that way nor it ever has. Which is why maybe one day I'll be able to tell them some of my stories when I'm ready. I have to find the right time to do it without holding back anymore. Heck I don't think anyone in my family has an idea, but a few cousins.

Now I understand how tough it is for some to open up about part of their past. I didn't want the world to know my weakness due to how they may turn that against me at some point. I couldn't continue to be secretive all the time and leave people guessing, although in some cases it's necessary for certain things. But to prevent yourself from letting people in your heart is also a horrible thing. You want someone or others to have that mutual understanding without judgment. I'm happy to say that I have people who I can turn to for anything. I don't have to hide in the dark anymore as I was a few years ago. I can finally say I'm not ashamed of what I've done or what I went through. It's all experience anyway and that's something people go through every day of their lives. You just have to find the right people to share those experiences to.

A Regretful Moment?

Have you ever had a moment where you were offered an opportunity anyone could ever ask for, but in the end it wasn't what you intended to take?

As I woke up at the usual time [which was 11:30 am] yesterday, I decided to do my daily rounds on the internet, knowing that my eyes were half dead at the time. I looked over this mail from Art Institute Los Angeles and I had this sudden feeling of being interested into what was written. There's an upcoming open house on March 7th at the school where there will be reps addressing young hopefuls on what are the programs available, financial aid, etc. I was debating whether or not I should go just to take a peak. So I went to the open house site and signed myself up, but only for information purposes.

While signing up, I had a flashback from a few months ago where a rep from AI called me and did what seemed to be a mini interview via phone. She asked what were my interests and what not and I mainly said graphic designing. I then explained her on how I was once addicted to Adobe Photoshop and learned from scratch using tutorials. She was easily blown away from my story and wanted to schedule an interview. It was suppose to be a week after, but because of purposely missing her calls, it never happened.

Now why the hell did I do such a thing? Well honestly I think it was only a one time moment where I thought I wanted the opportunity. I wasn't 100% fully sure if this was something I wanted to do as a career. Being a graphic designer may seem to be a dream job, but maybe just on the side instead. I once believed that I'd have a shot to be one, knowing that I don't exactly have the full experience yet. Just because I used photoshop and did a little bit of artwork from time to time doesn't mean I have the knowledge. I could say it was a hobby from one point and that was that. Now I bet you're thinking 'Well, you could of at least give it a shot. You'll never know what the outcome would be in the end.' Either way, I probably would reject the offer. So it wouldn't exactly mean anything. Plus, I kind of have other careers in mind other than just graphic designing, although it was something I did love at one point.

I wondered from time to time if the decision I made was right. I thought of it as something I can easily get over in a day or less. But it probably took a while. Not really sure why, but the fact that I turned down an opportunity like that interview kind of affected me. I think it's a pain in general to turn down any opportunity you think wasn't made for you. I should be appreciative that it happened to me, right? There's a saying where it goes 'Opportunity only knocks once'. I probably may not have that knock ever again...at least for now.

It's pretty hard to seek for my inner potential because I'm not quite sure what is it that I want to pursue anymore. You could say I'm one of those lost, unfortunate souls whose search for the perfect career is eating my brains out. I wish I knew what I wanted to do from the start so that I wouldn't have a problem like I have at this moment. Obviously, people change their mindset overtime, so I knew this was bound to happen. Knowing myself, I have a whole damn life to figure it out and I don't need all the answers right away. I'll let time tell me what's up. Just live life and proceed.

Cut 'em like it's butter man

I swear that line has been stuck in my head for the past four days. Ugh. If you're wondering where that came from, look for it online and see.

Hello readers. It's another [boring] blog from yours truly. No need to read this for am I simply just going to type whatever my delicate little mind has in stored. This may be a long one and I know some of you may not enjoy reading long blogs that may consist of such crap. My apologies for wasting your precious time that may never be returned, especially after my last sentence. For those who truly love reading blogs like this, you've come to the right place...I hope. I should stop blogging late at night. My lack of sleep is becoming much more dreadful than...well ever. It's an ongoing cycle for myself.

I noticed that my blogs don't have "the magic" when it comes to storytelling. You're probably going to go against that statement because you may think that some of my blogs [or all] contain some sort of magic to get the reader interested. I think you're just saying that 'cause you're either my friends or just the fact that you don't know when to be critical at times :x Please do not shoot me.

I mean yeah I share what goes on my mind and just tell it like it is. After reading through my blogs, I thought to myself that 'hey, I could write something better than just saying it. Y'know, give it some deep meaning or whatever.' I've read some blogs lately and usually when someone blogs about an event in their life, it becomes interesting on how they explain it. Forgive me for posting such useless blogs these days since I don't go into detail on what I've done [and don't think so nasty when I said that...jerks].But yeah, you get the picture right? Or do I have to draw it for you? Haha nevermind that.

I really don't know what else to tell you now that I've been on break for so long. Nothing exciting ever happens to me anymore. Sad, I know but I'll wait and wait...and wait for yet another adventure where I will be drawn into sometime soon, or never. So I'll try to come up with some witty storytelling on my blogs more often just so I won't have readers dying from reading a blog that gives no effort of interest...blame my laziness :X Also, I think I've mentioned mostly everything that has happened, which are nothing important really.

I think I've done more on the 'Today, I pretty much did this..." kind of crap too much. Of course most people who blog usually start off with that like myself. But I want to come up with something that'll catch the eye of bloggers for once. The only problem is that my attempt to do it fails. Why? Because I'd rather just do whatever I want without thinking too hard on a catchy sentence at the beginning. I feel like I'm brainstorming for an upcoming essay that has to be precise or something. Oh I miss English class sometimes.

I can never go on a day without writing. You guys know that and whoever else has viewed this. I don't find myself a lowlife when blogging mostly everyday now because I think it's intriguing when people write. Whether if it's about something that just happened or a flashback that crossed your mind, or even when people rant about how fucked up their life has been. At least you wrote it than keeping it inside your mind all the time. I only decided to blog here just on a safer side and I no longer rely on diaries. Who uses those these days?

The last time I wrote on a diary was when I was in the 2nd or 3rd grade. My mom saw my diary that had a cover of Barbie. This was at the time where Barbies were considered to be the 'IT' doll for little girls. She cleaned the room one day and happened to stumble upon my diary. With curiosity, she read what contained explicit content. I will not go into that because it was something that I regret on writing about, and I blame my fucking neighbors for teaching me how to use profanity at such a young age...or I blame myself for early peer pressure.

There's a feeling in my gut where I feel as if I'm about to have a heartburn. Oh joy.

Even cupcakes know when to be THE BOSS. Good morning, afternoon and night!

Curiosity

I wasn't planning to blog at this time, but I somehow was urged to do so. Not surprising to me.

Everyone has their moments in their lives where we sit down and wonder about things. Making up these 'what if' sort of scenarios to see the possible outcomes that come with it. I know it's not a good thing to imagine yourself in such tragic situations, but you know...curiosity will always pester you until you give in. It's like giving into temptations when you told yourself in the first place you would not do so. Curse these things! Don't deny that you've never attempted to do this. I see so many lies coming from your face and you're probably thinking 'ha, like you know anything on what goes around my mind!' First step is always denial...okay that was just random.

I'm always going to have these type of questions appear at random times of my day. It's not always bad to wonder about them, because I think people would be rather interested into seeking for the possible answers. I think the dying question just makes me feel a little emo sometimes. Haha, but who hasn't done that?

Very famous deep thinkers tend to question about their surroundings for a purpose. I think that's how theories are developed, such as the Big Bang Theory. Not sure I fully believe into its logic and all just like how I question my faith sometimes. My mom doesn't approve of me questioning my religion because she expects me to follow the Bible as if it were to be true. No offense, but I'm not really huge about Catholicism. Although I was raised from a Catholic family, I tend to have my mind go into wonder about other religions out there. Maybe that's why I kind of stopped going to mass now...guilty trip here ]:

Overall, being curious over things isn't such a horrible thing to do. You have the free will to do as you please. If you think about it too much, then it gives you such a headache. You won't seem to stop thinking about it...just like how I haven't stopped thinking about certain things. This somehow relates to Ignorance is bliss. Sometimes, it's better to not know what happens and focus what's present. That way,you'll prevent yourself from worrying and won't effect you as much. But is it always good to ignore some things, knowing that you have to find a way to resolve it? Hmm...you tell me.

Just As I Expected

My weekend is so far a bust, aside from the fact that a few skypers met up at Towson. I STILL HATE CHU GUYS -.- But it was a fun show at Btv.

I spent my Saturday night going online as I was watching Prom Night. I had two bags of popcorn and water [as a substitution for soda since I officially gave up drinking that]. Everyone left for West Covina and I ended up having cereal for dinner.Yum, cookie crisps was divine.

I'm waiting for the Oscars to start. Not sure what to look forward to, but I heard Vanessa Hudgens and some HSM3 stars will be performing. I can't wait to see that, if possible. Also, Lakers are going to play at the same time the Oscars will be on. I need to switch back and forth to see what's up with both of them. Can't people just reschedule the Lakers' game to another day? Sheesh.

Oh hey, dad's cooking up some BBQ. Maybe my day isn't going to be so boring afterall.

I'll edit this in a few hrs with some other things.

*EDIT*

After a 3 and a half hour watch, the Oscars were intriguing. Hugh Jackman was awesome as a host and I don't care what anyone thinks, even my mother. A lot of good things went on and for once, I felt not so bored for 3 and a half hours. Woopie! I'm glad to say those who won for each category truly deserved for their hard work and effort. Slumdog Millionaire really dominated on this year's Oscars with so many awards. I wasn't surprised about it.

Oh and LAKERS WON TOO! This night couldn't get any better! But yeah, I'm done blogging for now. Too lazy to say other things, as I expected.

'Cause I'm Insane in the Brain

This past week has been rather boring despite a few things that went on. *Has an A.D.D moment while looking at the chicken with corn and mash potatoes* Yum.

On Monday, while I went bowling it was raining that day. Woop-dee-doo-dah. Took a snapshot of it while in the car with my coordinator, Ernie. I got an e-mail today regarding the group activity presentation that's coming up in two weeks. I'm in the same group as last time and since intersession has ended, I gotta start going back to the meetings held every Wednesday. Oh no...

Speaking of intersession, I finally finished my final Bio project on the digestive system. Took me a few days to get everything together and SUCCESS. I felt like I was entering a science fair using the 3 panel board. Haha but it was fun working on putting it together in class. I saw everyone else's projects and there were some I favored, and some that had little effort. By little effort, I mean so many blank spaces on the board that had very little information and decorating. It was a work of a 2nd grader to me.

A few days ago, I got a package from Christine and it contained POCKY [the one thing I always wanted], Lindsor Truffles, and attached to it was a heart-shaped note. It was so cute :] Thanks for the package, Christine! One of my best valentine's day gifts! I made a comparison with the pocky box and my head, and dang...that box is sure big [TWSS]. I haven't finished all of it yet. I think I only ate just one and handed some to my little cousins. Then I see a pocky stick in the trash, which kind of annoyed me because it was a waste!

I had one stressful day yesterday regarding my FAFSA error. The one little error was still bothering me for the past week. I finally called FAFSA's customer's service provider and the lady helped me out with my situation. I'm too lazy to go into it, but some of you guys know what went on, so yeah. Bottom line is, it's all good for now. I still need to make a call about one or two more questions and that's it. I have to get my Cal Grant paper and send it before March 2nd. Good thing I had everything filled out back in December.

I'm not surprised that I'm home on a Friday night, 'cause don't even go out anymore. I'd take a walk in my neighborhood by myself, but it's not the same. None of my RL friends are ever available to hang out, and I'm not exactly close to them except just a few people. I feel so trapped being here in the same room doing the same routine for the past two months or even longer. This is making me feel so insane over it. If only I had a car, I'd drive by somewhere so quiet where my mind can be in peace. I haven't felt so calm in peace in so long. It's like that's the main thing I've been missing thus far. Not only do I feel trapped, but I get very agitated about it. Second semester's less than two weeks, so it's back to school work, late night studying [this time], and whatever it is I have to do. It's time to get serious now that I'm 4 months away from graduating. I think this is the time where I have to cherish every day and every minute of it. I haven't done so last semester just because I treated it as if it didn't mean much. But dang, I'm really going to College now. It's surreal and I'm even shocked myself. Heh.

There's so many things I'm looking forward to this semester and throughout this year. I can't wait to get started. I need new hobbies and a better routine to get by more often. Hope you guys have a great weekend. I'm sure as heck I may not.

Don't Read

"Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure. You’ve got to find the treasure, so that everything you have learned along the way can make sense."

Ever had a moment where you wanted to wonder how everything works in life? Why is it that we have to experience karma or why do we go through the rain just to see the rainbow at the end? Or maybe why everything happens for a reason?

Things like this I always think about as every day comes and goes. We're suppose to enjoy every moment of the day because once we don't, the time we waste will never come back. But I also think for what's ahead. How will things turn out if we took this direction or another. I'm always doing the 'What If' questions to see any possible outcomes depending on the situation. I mean, imagine a life without thinking about all of this? We would be too naive to understand our surroundings and the things we go through. It's like walking through a path without a purpose as to why we're doing so. So I'm slowly learning how everything is and along the way I'll be able to build a full understanding than I ever have.

Nothing will turn out the same as you wish. I have mentioned that life is a box of surprises. You endure whatever comes to you whether you like it or not. I'm not the kind who expects things to be the way I want. If I fail at something, then that doesn't mean I'm a failure at life. Just shows I have to try harder to achieve that certain goal, even though at times I feel like a failure. I'm sure everyone thinks the same or at least some. It's not like I was expecting to be perfect anyway. So I sometimes like my imperfections because I'm not the only one with flaws. Although it would be great to be flawless these days. I like my life, but it could be better.

One thing I've been pondering about is love. I'm always curious how it works. I've only been through one real relationship, excluding the online relationship I had last year. But I realize, any form of a relationship still counts as one. So that would be two I guess. I've been asked for advice from certain people from time to time about their relationship problems or anything related to love. I try my hardest to give an answer that could possibly help them get through things knowing that I don't exactly have the experience as they do. When I was with my first boyfriend, yes I did say that I 'loved' him, but I think I only said it out of obligation. I wasn't sure if I was really IN LOVE with the guy. Everything back then was just an experience. I've gone through a few 'heartbreaks' which wasn't as severe as the ones I've heard from people who have been in long-term relationships.

I think the only reason why I was bitter about love for a while was that the right person hasn't entered my life yet nor has he ever noticed me if he's already in it. I like my personality and my looks are decent, but is that enough to say the guy I'm seeking for will ever look beyond what's displayed? Sometimes, being single has it's down side too. I'm happier when mingling around to get a taste of what each guy is like. I guess the thought of being on my own bothers me. Meh. I'll eventually have my chance one day...I hope.

This isn't even all of what I've been thinking about. I'll probably edit at a later time. That's enough for now. Til then, goodnight.

Saaay What?!

I feel like I can relate to this domo. Wanting to eat that snowman's head just to release my anger side. Hah.

You know on my new year's resolution I wanted to not take the littlest things seriously. What I'm about to say may seem like it's no big deal to some, but to me it's something I don't take lightly.

So I'm sitting here feeling a bit agitated. No scratch that, I feel very agitated...or maybe just angry would be a better term. Whichever, but I'm definitely not in a good mood. I come on and encounter a comment where someone explains that person's father laughs at people who have cancer. I think this was probably something to laugh about at the beginning to some. At first, I was like 'okay, what the hell?' but whatever. I brushed that off. Then another person adds to that comment, saying 'yeah I kind laugh at them too. My sn even says so.' Then the joke wasn't funny anymore.

As soon as I read that, my mood changed. I don't see what's funny about laughing at people who have cancer. Is it because they're getting bald once the chemotherapy isn't working well or overall the disease is seen as a joke? I don't get it. When I think of cancer, I think of my late aunt. She died of ovarian cancer in 2005. It wasn't a great experience, but it's life. I was hurt that she passed away and always kept the memories with me, especially the necklace she handed to me. I still have it somewhere and I wear it when I can. So that's pretty much the one memory I'll always hold on at all times. But anyway, to laugh at people who are dying of any disease is NOT necessary. I just find it inappropriate and something people don't need to hear. I find any individual who does so as fucked up even if it's their opinion. Sorry to say, but shit...I don't laugh at anything like that. I couldn't be any more pissed, honestly.

I know what a joke is and what isn't. But this, is nowhere near to be a joke. I'm actually not in the mood to talk to that person. I understand it's that person's opinion, but just thinking about it over and over offends me. What can I say? I can be serious and this is one of those times. Maybe I'm a little over my head, but imagine if you're the one who's diagnosed with some sort of disease and someone laughs at you for having it...how would you feel? Yeah, probably offended I bet. Sometimes I wonder what the real definition of a joke is these days. I guess in the end, I felt insulted and of course, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I just wasn't enduring this well due to past experiences. Oh well, what can I do? Nothing really. Live life and proceed.

Hart.

I took this photo on Friday while coming back home from the Social Security Administration. I love the color of the sky.


This one was on the same day as I got out from the car. Notice the color is different, which is unique on a rainy day.

First off, I'd like to thank those who commented from my last blog. Your comments were very helpful and I had to think over a whole lot of things. I'm thankful of the fact that I have some people I can relate to these days and I got to learn a few things from you guys that reminds me of myself in some ways. You guys totally rock! <3

I didn't do much on valentine's day. I woke up with a few text messages and headed to my aunt's house at the valley. My cousin went to her winter formal dance, so I didn't get to chill with her. I got to bond with my youngest uncle though, who is 34. He made me laugh over a lot of things and he and I exchanged songs using bluetooth. I even introduced him to Far-East Movement and he was diggin` their music too :D So my valentine's wasn't that bad. Oh, and I watched the NBA All-Stars too. The slam dunks were fun and West side team won for the annual West vs. East NBA game which I saw yesterday. Haha always about Kobe and Shaq, who danced with the Jabbawockeez. That was fun too.

I gotta go sleep. Going to wake up in 6 hrs for this meet up at a bowling alley with the youth drug abuse peeps. Bleh. I'd rather do my project than going bowling with people whom some still annoy me. I hope you guys have a great 3 day weekend!


I hart chu all.

I Can't Wait

I want to get out of this miserable house! I have nothing to do or to gain. Same fucking routine all the time. What else is there to do?

Every single day, I deal with an insanely bitchy mother who I don't have a real relationship with. I mean yes, I talk to her here and there and maybe I'm nicer at times. But on the real, I never open up to her about anything. In fact, my parents don't have any idea what I've been through so far in my 18 years of being in this world. It's either just school-related or a simple conversation that only lasts for 2 minutes. So all this time, I still feel like I'm alone. Hah.

Give me a break already. I don't want to end up staying here for college too. Maybe I am one screwed up daughter my parents wished they never conceived. I didn't expect them to be my parents. So at this point I'm feeling like I can't break free from this. My blood is boiling, my yearning for freedom is lingering, and just thinking about getting out is still far. 4.5 months left to go and I'm out.

I should be at least appreciative that I have parents unlike some who don't. I love my parents and all, but this...I don't enjoy. I'm probably stubborn and easily tempered when comes to this. If you were in my shoes and have a parent who still hits you, even if you're an 18 year old, you wouldn't want to be in this situation. Yes, I still get hit, I'll admit that. Even if it's a hit on the arm, I don't care. There are times where I want to say something to my mother to make her stop hitting me. Of course, as a daughter I don't hit back. I let myself take the hit over the mistakes I've made. This sort of thing releases the worst side of me. I get depressed and have such low self-esteem towards me. I really feel torn and my only way to get this out of the way is doing this...blog.

I know I'm angry and this is a phase most teens go through. Damn, I wasted majority of my time just to be home. I don't go out and hang with people or even get some fresh air by myself anymore. It's like they got me on check or something just because I'm the only daughter. I bet they're going to use that excuse as a way for me to stay home rather than dorming at a CSU. If I do dorm, then my mom has to deal with it. I can't keep taking the guilt trip any longer. I realized I have the most anger towards my mother than my father. Like mother like daughter? That's bullshit in this case. Really now...I'm feeling like shit.

Time to get back into my project. Just wanted to let this out.

You Leave Me Breathless

So far this past week I've took a few photos from my sony ericsson camera phone. I was in the 3rd floor of my school and I happen to look at the sky during break. The quality looked alright, but I had to edit the photos on picasa to make it look more...professional? Or at least I tried to. So here are the result of it.

*Note, I'm just experimenting with the effects.

This was from Monday. I happen to take interest of taking a snapshot of the sunset.


I took this one from yesterday [which I still feel like it's today]


Same spot as the one from above. I did a little mixture of colors. Came out crappy :/

I don't know. I've always loved photography, but I never really continued with it until this past week. I miss my digital camera though. If anything, I'll purchase an SLR from either Canon or Nikon and start learning from scratch. I've seen a few photos from Janelle's blogs and I must say, they came out beautiful. So I got part of my inspiration from her. She's a pro at this.

Maybe photography could be my possible profession, that's if I'll put my heart and soul into it. I do want to be a school counselor. It's just, I'm afraid that my mind set might change within a few years. But photography is more of a hobby and something I only do during my spare time. I do love vintage photos that have the old effects. It's fascinating and intruiging to me. Just looking at the sky this past week surely made me think of some things I had in mind so far.


I love chicken & potato salad. Happy Friday the 13th guys!

Saltwater

I've accidentally tasted salt water once...it's not so great.

Oh dang, it's already Wednesday and I have less than 3 weeks until 2nd semester counts. In a way, I'm glad it's coming up. This break kind of brought out the moping side of me. I didn't go out much, I've stayed home too much, and I consume too much fats. Yes, FATS. Healthy food is a definite necessity right now.

Out of all the rooms in my small apartment, my room happens to be the coldest. I only use the heater at night when I sleep or something. It's like a spirit is wandering my room this whole time. Kind of scary to think that way, but yeah. Speaking of the cold, the weather's been around probably in the 60's. It's suitable at this time considering that it's still winter. I had a moment while walking to class that I was up in the snow of Palm Springs. Comparing the weather here to over there, there's a little difference, but I'd say the snow is obviously a lot colder than here. I can't really tell sometimes. I wish it snow here rather than just the mountains.

I've had weird dreams of meeting youtube people. I think I met David Choi and a few others. I'd get so excited meeting them, taking photos and what not. Then I wake up, and realize my hopes just went down from that point. Ugh, I hate that feeling. I should stay away from youtube for a good while so I won't be having these insane dreams. One day, Abby...just one day. Speaking of youtube peeps, I definitely want to go to the FEEL THE BEAT show at Anaheim on the 20th. Performers including AJ Rafael, Cathy Nguyen and others are going to be there! It's like 9 days away from now and feels so close. This is such a good time for a car and be there in an instant. All I need is someone to go with me that day and that would complete my break. I've been wanting to meet these people ever since I discovered their music. Call me a fan but heck, I absolutely admire them. If not, then definitely the BTV gathering around end of July.

If this is what I call home, why do I feel so alone?

Ever heard of that line before? It has to do with the title. So I did had something to talk about for this section, but I'll save it for tonight. It's been kind of a bother lately. I think I'll just edit this when something is up for today. I'll leave you with a picture again.

Corn Dog Pizza anyone?

5 Hour Car Chase?

Actually, it was a slow-speed chase. No kidding.

So Brandon, Jayther, Jana and I were watching this live car chase on both Fox and ABC [plus a little from CBS]. Basically, a Pakistani businessman in a $170,000 white Bentley was being followed BY LAPD for 3 hours. WTF? A lady called 911 about the man abusing her and such. It started around 7:55 p.m. and I started watching this live footage around 11:25. He even followed the law of the road, surprisingly. So he put his car to a halt in the middle of the street at North Hollywood where a crowd, including paparazzi were trying to get a look at what was up. They assumed it was a celebrity. I had the same thought as well. I mean really, who would drive a 170 grand white Bentley other than just celebs? I thought this was going to end quickly. My guess was wrong.

During the live footage, a lady got out of the car and proceeded safely to the police where she was being questioned. I believe she was the one who made that call regarding the abuse. The man in the driver's seat was still there, holding an automatic gun. Yikes! After several minutes of patiently waiting for the next thing to happen, he was finally in the hands of the SWAT team. I know he had a gun and all, but really...police waiting that long to make a move must have been tiresome. I was already getting bored, wondering as to when the hell were they going to move in and surround the car. There were at least 3 SWAT trucks surrounding the car, and yet they haven't really done anything until the end. The guy shot himself, and LAPD informs that he's in 'grave condition'. Now the question is, who's going to buy that used Bentley?

Speaking of the car, people were twittering over the situation. Brandon gave us the link to the 'main' suspect's Twitter, with the name 'WhiteBentley'. I really LOLed when I saw the posted comments, including the one by 'GreyBeetle' where he said 'GET THE F*CK OFF MY STREET!' Honestly, all of this was entertaining than just chills. A forum Brandon linked consisted of BS but hilarious comments from people, thinking that the suspect is DJ Khaled. First off, how the hell did he came up? And second, Why would he have a license plate that's from Illinois [which was shown from the white Bentley]? His wikipedia info also got screwed over this mess. HAHAH funny. I'm sure he's going to wake up with confusion.

Sadly, the fun ended when ABC, FOX and CBS ended the footage. Dang, all of this happening within the course of two weeks. Phelps suspended for 3 months after that marijuana incident. A divorced, but insane woman giving birth to octuplets using vitro-fertilization, which adds up to 14 children. Then Chris Brown's case as what may view him as a woman beater, and now this. I gotta say, this actually made my night. I'm sure Sedan's going to make tons of profits after this incident. The company would be thrilled for the news.

For more info on the situation, go here:
http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-bentley-pursuit11-2009feb11,0,7473572.story

Late Night Blog

Yup, as the title says it I'm pretty much stuck doing this blog. Why? I don't know. I've come to realize that posting blogs has been a natural attachment to me. I LOVE writing. I probably may not show it these days, but I sure do. No matter what time it is during the day, whether if it's late at night I'll blog. Plus, it's another way to let out some things I can't say to others. So I'm going to say it here.

*Caution, this may be a long one [sorry Chris]. So no need to read any of this crap.

There are some things I've been thinking about for the past few days:

One, I realized I'm easily bothered by the littlest things. No matter how unimportant it is, I happen to make it important. Then the more I think of it, the more likely it'll be a pest. I had a small flashback about filling out the Cal Grant form that's supposed to be done once FAFSA is filled out. I actually finished the Cal Grant form back in December. Woopie! Thing is, I probably made one small remark. Where it says to 'bubble this part if you'd like to submit your SAT or ACT scores rather than your GPA', I think I bubbled that. Something tells me that I possibly did. I hope I didn't so I can avoid to attach my SAT scores with the form. I will never give out my SAT scores at all. It's horrible and one of the worst test scores anyone could ever get. Lucky me, I happen to get that unlucky bug. Anyway, if I did bubble that part in, I'll just talk to my bitch of a counselor about changing it [unless she already sent it in, then there's not much I can do]. I hope she hasn't yet since it's due March 2nd. I want to make sure by sometime next week that I didn't make any remarks on that application.

Two, college college and again COLLEGE! I'm debating whether or not I should attend a community college and transfer to a CSU or UC by junior year. That won't be a problem, but I might possible regret it along the way. I applied to five CSUs and got into 2 so far and got rejected by 1. So a friend of mine recently told me to stick to the schools I applied for or at least choose the one that I'll most likely lean towards to. Honestly at this point I don't know what school. None of them are my favorites and one school I really want to go to hasn't gotten back to me about my status. So I feel like I'm wasting my time on waiting for that gawd stinkin` letter. Part of me says to give up while the other says to wait a little longer. I'm a very impatient person. I try to be as patient as I can, but there's a limit where I can't be patient any longer. Even if I tried, it's not effective. So I'm thinking back and forth about this and realize, I'll give myself a deadline as to when I'll accept the offer of going to a CSU or reject. I still have enough time to think it over, but let's face it...it's February now. I have until May to decide and I think I might just attend community college for financial reasons. Plus, it's less stressful for me anyway. Ugh, I'll find the answer on my own. Also, a friend tells me 'In order to love the college life, you have to love the college you're attending. Otherwise, it's not going to work out.' I agree with that 100%. I just have to know what I'll do by the end of this.

Finally three, working out. Ha, I've been trying [okay maybe not trying] to fight off the temptation of moping at home ever since break. I know I probably talked about this before from my past blogs [or not], but geez. I'm getting quite tired of eating food late at night. I define late at night snacks at around 2 am in the morning, eating a bigass bag of dorritos with hershey's bliss. Seriously, that's been a routine for the past week and a half. It's scary. I should have started planning this ages ago. I know I'm being redundant with this. The thought of not pushing myself to achieve a goal is pissing me off. I lack at motivation, really. It's very disappointing of me. So starting Monday, I have to start working my ass off on getting into shape, at least until prom. I don't want to gain a dress size and realize I look like a fat lard. Ugh. I think at this point my cholesterol has shot up. Oh, and I'm probably diabetic by now. Great...

[I had a paragraph about something else, but decided to delete it.]

After looking over this blog, I find this more of a rant in a way. Heh.

Ahh the Rain

[photo will be here as soon as I upload from my phone]

California rain arrived a little unexpectedly. Usually around this time, it rains, but last year it kind of wasn't as bad as this, or maybe it's me.

Every time is rains, it doesn't really get me that depressed. It prevents me from doing any outside activities...which messes up my plans for the day. So what do I do? Stay home for the remainder of the day until the rain stops crying it's eyes out.

*Hey look, it's raining so hard right now. Hooray.

Yesterday, I was walking towards school with my umbrella over me. It was my first time using my umbrella after a long period of time. I passed by this huge puddle and of course with caution, I carefully tried going around it. That didn't work quite bit. I didn't realize the puddle was more than an inch deep. My left vans shoe was soak and wet. My jeans were partially wet and I was only walking for 5 minutes!

Although I love the rain because it helps mother nature out, I just hate to see my newly clean clothes getting soaked. Oh spring...please come soon! Better yet, SUMMER! But I'll probably regret saying that as soon as the hot sun strikes back again for a 'smokin` summer'.

So tomorrow, WongFuProductions is releasing their Toon Spencer online!


He's so adorable! I'm for sure going to purchase him! I hope I get it on time though. I know that they're selling limited amounts.

I should stop sleeping in now. Waking up at 12:30 noon is a very big no-no.

*EDIT*: I got my very first rejection letter from one of the CSUs I applied for. I'm not that bummed about it actually considering that I knew from the start I may not have a likely chance of getting accepted. Thanks to California's budget crisis, CSUs are cutting down enrollment for undergraduates (over 10%) and I believe that applies the same for transfer students. I love that they explain in detail as to why I didn't get in. Oh well, there are other opportunities.

Valentines Day.

The one day of the year that I usually despise.

Every year on that day, I used to pass out v-day grams to everyone or at least certain people to show my 'love' I have for them. At first it was loads of fun when majority were in the spirit. Then at one point I realized it made me feel a little weird. So I eventually stopped with the grams.

I guess just the thought of having that special someone as your valentine never came around for me. That's partially why I don't celebrate, but it's the overall day itself. Why show so much love and compassion for that someone on this particular day when you could be doing that throughout your relationship. I don't think one day will make up for all the days you haven't spent your time with him/her. I don't know...I thought [and still think] this day is silly. It's not even a holiday in my opinion and may never will be.

Then I thought more on what's beyond than what this day usually means. It does not have to necessarily mean to celebrate your relationship with someone, but also your relationship to those around you. You don't really need to have a valentine and be 'complete'. You can go out and celebrate without one or with your loved ones since I'm sure they're much more important than just a silly valentine. I was too naive to understand the meaning of this day since I was brainwashed with what it supposedly meant as a kid.

I treat this day as any other day to be honest. I don't exactly feel that 'love is in the air' vibe each time this day arrives. I'll think of it as a day where you think of those in your life who have stuck by you for so long. It shows how strong a friendship can be with all the love and support you get from others as you do the same for them.

So maybe...just maybe, I'll give V-day a chance this year, but we'll see how it goes.

The Cravings.

I sure want some of these at this moment!


I think if desserts never existed, the world would be at it's end by now.

Just look at how they're made. It's scrumptious!

Sweets and lots of treats :]

Valentine's day is...umm. I'll get back to you on that later.

I think the world needs this

Just like that song from B.E.P: Where is the LOVE?

That is all. Probably edit later.

& Yes, those are my fingers with really long finger nails [which only 8 out of 10 have been cut].

Oh Boy, February?

That's right, it's now the SECOND month of 2009. Let me tell you, it went so freakin` fast, didn't realize it's a whole new month.

So yeah, I decided to spend my weekend at home. Well actually I had no other choice and no car to go places. I'm already getting tired of being in the same room all week. UGH. When will I get my dream car...?

I've been listening to this song on repeat for the past few days. I discovered it from a friend's boyfriend's myspace and it totally got to me. If you can, download 'Over My Head' by Ne-Yo. It's such a good song. I can't get tired of this song, not even one bit.

Yesterday, I watched the Super Bowl with the usual people. It was one hell of a game I must say, which made me jump out of my bed so many times. I was rooting for Arizona Cardinals since they were known to be underdogs and this was their first entrance to the Super Bowl. With that status, I had to root for them since they came this far to be in the finals. Pittsburgh Steelers were known for their high stats and good defense. So I didn't want to root for a team that majority have said would automatically win. It was like a roller coaster with twists and turns. Every moment can make you either want to pull your hair off or just yell with joy as your team is running for that touchdown. Although my team lost at the end, it was one intense game. 27-23 was the final score and that's so close. Ugh, if only Steelers didn't get that touchdown at the end, we could have gotten a better chance to turn it around. Either way, I'm glad I got to watch it. The halftime show with Bruce Springteen wasn't that interesting considering I wasn't familiar with the guy. Good game, Arizona.

In addition, I kept twittering about it which I think might have annoyed some people. LOL. What can I say...I was that hyped about it.

Ah the food...well This is what I had during the event:

Mom cooked these for everyone.


Japanese pan fried noodles is bomb!




I never knew my dad would cook crabs but I knew about the BBQ :D

I've decided to take pictures of what I ate and post it each time I blog.

Speaking of food, I think I'm going to get a quick snack in the kitchen. Those japanese pan fried noodles are calling my name again!