Flashback

It's always great to open up to others about things that have dragged you down before. That's a sign that you're connecting with people through those experiences if their situation has to do with what has happened to you. At first, it was difficult to open up to people about my problems either because I was too afraid that they'll judge me right off the bat or I was too shy. There's always a point in our lives where we have to eventually open our heart out in order to release the pain and sorrow we've felt for a while.

...and thank God it happened to me.

I was at an ACE program held at UCLA where it was a 3 day workshop on building your leadership skills while connecting with people you usually don't speak to at school. This was back in both 2006 and 2007. There was an activity at the end of the 3rd day where everyone was gathered in a circle with what seemed to be a 'bonfire', except there was no fire. The objective was to look deep inside of yourself and talk about an experience that has shaped the person you are and why. So I've heard people's stories that were related to drugs, death, abandonment, etc. Believe me, it was tough hearing those because you can never imagine those people who seemed like normal individuals to experience anything like it. But I guess everyone has their own secrets.

People shed tears and as I was looking around, my heart was beating faster than the limit. An adrenaline rush was sinking in, urging me to speak up about my own. I was hesitant about it, thinking that I'm going to cry before I speak of part of my past. With bravery and encouragement, I finally decided to get up and speak. All eyes were on me for about 5-10 minutes. I knew that I had to eventually get it over with.

I spoke about my late aunt, who died of Ovarian Cancer [which I briefly talked about a few blogs back]. I told them about her story and the connection she and I had. She was like a mother, but from a far distance. I wasn't able to see her for years and to hear about her passing, I was devastated. I can never see her again...or at least that what I thought at the time. After I sat back down, I was already crying to the point where it reminded me of my lolo's passing in 2003. That was the first time I cried so hard for someone and that only happens if that person was very close to my heart. People gave me comfort as I put my head down and continue to shed tears. At the end of the day, I felt a whole lot better and thought to myself that opening up to that many people was quite a challenge. I was thankful that I took that challenge because otherwise I would not be able to open up to certain people today.

To this day, I still can't open up to my parents about my life. I feel that they'll look at it as a joke or something they think isn't worth talking about. What's the point of even doing so? I know that you're suppose to have a connection to your parents in order to build better communication and trust, but with my own...it's not necessarily that way nor it ever has. Which is why maybe one day I'll be able to tell them some of my stories when I'm ready. I have to find the right time to do it without holding back anymore. Heck I don't think anyone in my family has an idea, but a few cousins.

Now I understand how tough it is for some to open up about part of their past. I didn't want the world to know my weakness due to how they may turn that against me at some point. I couldn't continue to be secretive all the time and leave people guessing, although in some cases it's necessary for certain things. But to prevent yourself from letting people in your heart is also a horrible thing. You want someone or others to have that mutual understanding without judgment. I'm happy to say that I have people who I can turn to for anything. I don't have to hide in the dark anymore as I was a few years ago. I can finally say I'm not ashamed of what I've done or what I went through. It's all experience anyway and that's something people go through every day of their lives. You just have to find the right people to share those experiences to.