I think it's time

I'm come to a point in my life where I can no longer continue with this ongoing routine.

I'm so sick of the same crap over and over. Nothing I do will be gained from this. I learn nothing from anything I do, which I find really depressing. So this is the time I have to learn to grow out from my old habits/ways.

Why did I think of this now? I don't know. I should have thought of this AGES ago if I had the chance. I never focused fully on this due to my lack of maturity. That's right, I'm still immature sometimes. Oh fucking well. I know what needs to be changed, but the timing should have been way before this. The way I am has really put me in a position where all I can think of is how sorry I feel of myself. I realized this after talking to a friend about his situation that is similar to mine. The progress he has made for the things he's been doing to keep him going has definitely made me think to do the same for myself.

I gotta stop expecting things to go my way when I'm sure it won't 100% of the time. I do complain, and what can I say? I don't like how things are. What makes me bitter is how I'm always talking about changing this or that for the better, but in the end it's a failure. I can't seem to keep my promises these days. Ugh.

Just seeing the success people have gained through hardships has inspired me to fix some glitches around here or there. Maybe the only purpose why I feel sorry for myself sometimes is the fact that I'm unsure if I'll ever going go be in places or be able to live the life I wish to have. That mind set right there puts my confidence way down. Talk about being a pessimist.

I want to be able to feel like I'm finally content with how things are rather than just to sit down and complain for the things I wish I could have changed. The time to start straightening things out has to be now. For Pete's sake, I'm on the verge to graduate and going off to reality where everything will come with a price. It's not going to be an easy journey where I can take detours to avoid any mishaps. It's LIFE.

No more of this childish games I've played. It has to end here.

I leave this off with a picture that STILL makes me LOL.

Yum.

Don't you just want to gobble this up? I know I do.

I WANT THIS NOW!

I'm thinking of starting to eat salad often, especially chicken salad. I've been craving for this since last night. The salad from Kuishimbo makes want to make my own salad with that kick ass dressing. I wonder what the restaurant uses for it...Funny that Latinos are the ones running a Japanese char-broil joint. But they sure know how to make a mean teriyaki. Props!

A start of a change in lifestyle? Probably.

Time for some venting

There are times where I feel like I don't contribute enough to anything. Then there are times where I'm not changing myself enough for the better. I mean really...I still feel like shit sometimes. Whatever I do doesn't seem to help make me a better person. It makes myself feel bitter by the second of it. I think to myself as this person who is very indecisive over things and can't seem to make up her mind anymore. I still do some of the same mistakes from time to time. The only person I'm most angry at is...myself.

I hate the way I act towards people when I know I shouldn't be acting like an asshole. I sometimes feel like a disappointment to people. I wish I could be someone else for a day and see a different perspective on things. I feel much more careless as each day goes by. I'm easily annoyed more than I ever was, and no I'm not PMSing. I tend to think ahead of my future which worries me sometimes. Basically, I think too much over things when I shouldn't be. Then again, I'm one fucking moron for doing so.

Thing is, I can't figure this out anymore. I just want to get away from it. Get away from pretty much everything around me. There are some things in my past that haunts me to this day. Not only does it bother me, but it crawls into my skin as if an insect is sucking out blood. I don't know..I need time away, that's all. When I ask myself if God is watching over me, I honestly don't know at all. My connection with God is not exactly there now that I have no interest into going to mass on Sundays. In a way, I just don't really care. I know it's a bad thing to say coming from a religious family. But really, the person I am now is the person I don't really want to be anymore: Careless, ignorant, stubborn, etc.

All I really want is a wake up call. I desperately need it. I definitely don't want to continue being like this. There are so many questions left unanswered. I know I can't have them all at the same time. As each day comes, then maybe...just maybe I'll have some answers.

Oxnard Again

I actually like the main theme of SUPER SMASH BROS. BRAWL. I don't know. Everytime that song is on, I get all excited. LOL, weird but yeah. Sounds like you're part of the Olympics or something.

*Goes on IMEEM to listen to the track. Hahaha funny.

I literally suck at Wii Tennis. No matter how close I am to win, I end up losing at the end. WHAT THE HELL?! I think I just suck at video games in general. My best friend Erick would laugh as he reads this because it's true. Jerk :P

So my weekend was alright despite of the horrific weather at Oxnard. I found out I'm going back next weekend again. Maybe a sleepover? Hmm I suppose. I don't mind anyway and it's always fun to visit family when I usually don't see them often these days. Lily and I decided to sleep in the guest room with a crappy bed that wasn't as uncomfortable as we thought. Oh well, it was either sleep in a small bed where Lily tends to move alot just to kick me off or the guest room. So we had to obviously take the guest room. We both helped reorganize my cousin's room for an hour which was kind of a work out. Imagine if it was my own room...I'd probably hate living on my own at this rate. LOL!

It was my lola's birthday. There were plenty of crabs to go around. I snatched two and was tempted to get more, but I already felt full so I passed. Two of our friends came over during the day and we went over to this area with yacht's and gorgeous houses. We took photos as we walked around at night while no one was around. It felt kind of weird considering how there's some good joints to visit. But I guess it was the weather that made the place look deserted.

We got back to the house after an hour and my cousin's sister got home from her short flags competition. They came in 3rd for the first round and 4th on the 2nd. I chatted with her for a while. Then my parents and I finally went home. Along the way, Ryan texted me about random stuff, especially wanting to take me to a John Legend concert before he dies. Haha, I think we should by the time we get to meet up soon. That would be a sweet hang out.

Once I got home, Erick called and we spoke for almost two hours. Paul called me, but I rejected his call twice. My conversation with Erick was interesting. Then again, it usually comes out interesting with him anyway, in a good way of course. By the way, hi Erick! :D

I'm taking a break from certain sites, including BlogTV. I go on that too much. It's getting rather addicting than I thought. Arghh!

MLK Day Weekend

This 3 day weekend has been one interesting one. I went over to Nicole's house for the night and chilled with her, Edgar and Ian. We cruised around Oxnard while helping Nicole looking for Abercrombie & Fitch clothes for her job. I gotta admit, going into the store with that oh so sweet smell gives you wonders :P Then we were deciding what restaurant to eat, which took almost an hour to figure out. We finally decided to eat at some Japanese restaurant. That place has some bombass food. I'll post some photos later.

The next day, I went over to the Sinulog fiesta and spent some time with relatives. Later during the day, few of my cousin and I decided to hop on Asian Horror Movie sites and watched a few films. One moment totally made me LOL was when my cousin was behind us while watching the first film. As paranoid as I was, I would turn around and look to see if anyone was there. At first, no one was until a few minutes later where I see someone dressed in black standing there. I yelled out 'GUYS, TURN AROUND! SOMEONE'S BEHIND US!' A lot of screams were taken place and my ateh comes up to check up on what went on. Turns out, my cousin was trying to see what we were watching, but how he was just standing there freaked me out. A little embarrassed, I actually needed that scream. HA.

On MLK Day, I went on a fieldtirp with KYCC/YDAPP at Pasedena's Ice Skating rink. I learned to ice skate for the first time in my life. Yeah I need to get out and explore a little more.

It was so much fun, despite the fact that one too many people were falling on ice. Haha, seriously it was kinda painful watching them fall, but I had my share of that pain when I fell. My fall was actually a nasty one. I was playing broom ball with another group of team. Just when I was going to hit the ball with the stick, I somehow fell backwards, but managed to fall on my right side. I was expecting to fall eventually anyway considering how slippery the ice was.

Then we chilled, ate Little Caesars, and went on the ice to skate. I was too paranoid to skate around since it was my first time ice skating. I know that it's the same as roller blading, but I haven't been doing so in years. So it was more of a start over kind of thing. Took a while to get the hang of it and my feet were killing me. I kept going on the side every 5 minutes to rest and go back out there again. Ernie took plenty of kodak moment photos. LOL, I wonder how it turned out. Hm...

After that, KYCC employees passed out ice cream and got on the bus back to LA. Ernie was interviewing YDAPP members who showed up regarding the progress at the program. During the interview, he wanted us to be honest on our answers and that's when I pretty much told what went on my mind. I felt it was a bit of a complaint, but more focused on what the program needs to improve and all. I'm glad Ernie wasn't offensive, but he was comprehensive on what our view was.

As we arrived back to KYCC, Ernie dropped me off home. I hopped on Skype and talked to both Arren and Chris. I decided to watch Asian horror films with them. So we ended up watching 3 movies, one of them included Jana in the call. It was entertaining [Mhmm Nurse.] Paul called me twice during the day and we spoke for a good while. As usual, he and I insulted each other, but I guess that's how we show our 'love' for one another.

Today is officially the day where Obama is going to be inaugurated into office. I hope he'll do his best for the good of this country and what not. I really do regret not voting on November 4, but I am glad that I witnessed the historical event everyone will never forget. I have hopes for this man. I know we may not get this economic crisis solved sooner, but on the long run it'll eventually simmer down. I'm going to hate the increase of tuition costs.

My arm still hurts from that fall. Ugh, I need an ice pack. It's been hurting for hours now. Geez...I hate that fall.

Youstreamskype Family

So I was reading Garbo’s latest blog on ‘iFriends’ and it made me realize something that got me blogging about it.

I first thought that talking to people from the internet whom I’ve never met may seem to be a weird thing. But my perspective on that obviously changed over the course of months that went by. When I started my account on Kevjumba.com, I was looking around, adding people, talking to them and that was pretty much my daily rounds. Then I wondered ’how long am I going to keep doing this?’

I wasn’t sure myself so all I did was going with the flow and see what else happens. I went from Kevjumba.com to Ustream, which was basically the heart of how my friendship with certain people started. Both Kevjumba & Shimmy chats brought out the people I would never expect of keeping in touch with to this day. Not going to lie. After just a few days talking to them, I wanted to end from that point simply because I had no idea how I was going to keep up with so many people. Of course, many people left when the chats were dying and some of us went on Skype to continue with our conversations.

Whenever I was upset or angry, they did what they could to make sure I was alright and same goes for me if they were going through the same thing. I don’t know, I didn’t expect this to affect me in a way, but I’m glad it did. From that point, these people became important and made a huge part of my life. I mean, talking to them over the past year really does mean something.

I’ve learned quite a lot from every single person I’ve talked to. From late night conversations to inside jokes, it all adds up to make our bond stronger each time. I may not show this a lot, but I truly am glad that I met them. I couldn’t ask for more than having such great people. They’ve helped me open my eyes over certain things and gave me a boost on confidence just like how my real life friends have done. From Kevjumba to BlogTV, it's been such an adventure meeting different variety of people.

Although we can't have any physical contact like others, I don't really care. But the friendship is what matters the most. I’m definitely looking forward to summer ‘09. I hope to meet some of them or maybe all if it works out well. Either way, we’ll eventually meet soon. But I’d like to say thank you for being who you are and I hope you don’t change. I really want to make sure I’ll be keeping in touch with you guys for a long time.

The 'internet friends' label is dead from this point. I consider you guys more than just my 'youstreamskype' family. I love you all and I mean it.

2008 was a great year, but ‘09 will be even better and the upcoming years.

Wow.

• Horrible Headaches
• Lack of sleep = sleeping pattern ruined
• Lack of focus over certain things
• Laziness
• Easily angered.
• College fucking expenses and decisions
  

Wow, these are the things that basically got me heated thus far. My bad habits are dominating and it's not looking pretty. I'm more pissed at myself for not straightening myself right. There are pros and cons about being on a two month break. For the pros, I have enough time to rest and not worry one bit about school. The opposite, I sleep late and getting up late while not doing shit around the house. I constantly stare at the computer screen for hours. Talk about being a fucking loser, right? Ha. Then the whole day is over and I do the whole routine the next day. I NEED TO FUCKING CHANGE MY WAYS -_____-

A job is something I really need so that I won't always be at home all the time. I missed having it like I did during summer. At least I kept myself occupied. But having a job right now may not be a good thing considering that I still have one semester left and I gotta keep my progress up. So by the time I get to college, I'll be able to do a part-time job while going to school. Woopie. If I had a job right now, I don't think I would balance my school life well along with it. That's something I gotta work on too. My parents wouldn't even approve of me having a job at this time. Bleh.

Speaking of college, I'm now dealing with the wonderful FAFSA and this shit is fucking long. Seriously, why to we have to answer over 50 questions on this?! At least something simple would be pleasant, but I guess not. Whatever. I find this ridiculous. I need to finish that and try to plan early about this whole college expense shit. I was looking over CollegeBoard regarding CSUN's tuition costs plus room and board. Fuck, talk about annoying. Nicole and I are in negotiations of getting an apartment by CSUN [which hasn't been confirmed but is still considered as a back up plan if I don't get into CSUF.] Thing is, I may not even attend CSUF anyway, so it doesn't matter. I still am interested in CSUF though. I don't know, I don't like dealing with college decisions...it throws me off course and prevents me from picking the right one when I feel that I want BOTH. That' not likely to happen.

I'm in the mood to pretty much just say FUCK IT. But that would mean I'm only saying it rather than meaning it. I tend to do that anyway...

Nothing interesting, just something to let loose.

Yahpp.

you make everything so cold
as if winter just appeared on a hot day
where our pictures turned from new to old
and the feeling of contentment just went away

your voice makes me irritated
as if a fly constantly bothers me
it takes me to a level where i'm frustrated
each time you come closer, you see

that stern look you give to others
the attitude that drives me insane
your stupidity has me smother
like inhaling some of that mary jane

i want nothing to do with you
your stubbornness and selfishness
it was too good to be true
that people like you are far too devious

it's sad to see you humiliate yourself
but there won't be any sympathy here
nothing more for me to help
not even shed a single tear

Five Years Later

Dear you, I still miss you to this very day
The love and care you gave me will never fade away
For it will be stored as a special memory
That will be placed in my heart for all eternity
Your passing was my first heartbreak
The only time I experienced pain that I couldn’t shake
From my system which took a long while
Although you’re no longer here, you did taught me how to smile
You never looked at me any different but always the same
You’d always greet me with a special name
As if it were old times where we picked on one another
I’m glad that we shared those special moments together
Your death wasn’t tragic but a day where your soul peacefully flew
To the heavens above with God and that’s when I knew
That you’ll be taken care of while I’m still living
We’ll meet again soon as I lay in bed dreaming
And waiting for that one day to occur
I really miss you, and for that I am sure

I wish you were here...

From Here to There

Okay people rarely blog now [except Brandon] so I should add something as a new year's resolution: Blog often!

So for the past two weeks, I've been on break until I return back on March 2nd. I know...I'm lucky of the fact that I have a two month break. Thing is, I still have to retake a class starting on the 7th until the 2nd to last week of February. Next I have to come back every Thursday for AP stats reviewing. So technically I'll be in school majority of my break. Fun isn't it?

Day before Christmas party was a day out with some of my relatives to the Camarillo Outlet [a 45 minute place from LA] for last minute shopping. My favorite cousin and I spent 3 hours there and ended up not buying anything. That's just lame...but we spotted two people we both recognized. It's weird because both my cousin and I somehow know them through different connections and we met them at a place that I rarely see anyone I know from my city. To make sure, I called one of them and see if it was them or not and it was. So we had a mini chat and went our separate ways, until we spotted them at the same store my cousin and I were in. Such stalkers...:P Later at night, we ate out at City Buffet and talked about random things, including graduation. We might have a triple graduation party since my favorite and another cousin are graduating on the same month but different dates.

This is what I had:




I took a photo of this while on my way to my favorite's house.

For Hawtsammy, and this is an actual name of a street.


Christmas party with the family was great. I was surprised that so many familiar faces whom I haven't seen in years popped out of nowhere. It was a good party. I witnessed two of my cousins getting wasted for an hour which was hilarious because one of them doesn't remember anything at all. The other was buzzed, but stood quiet. I recorded everything that went on. Unfortunately, my cousin has it in her camera so I don't know if she'll send it to me or just delete it. LOL. Overall, it was an interesting night.

New Years Eve and day was a good one. Spent time with some of the relatives and played Mario Kart/Brawl. I was owned at some rounds, but I managed to get back on track. My dad was in charge of the BBQ and we pigged out like no other. It kind of felt like a new year after it was over. No, I didn't drink and got wasted. All I had was cider. Yes, I'm boring...go screw a goat :D JK!

The other day, relatives and I headed to Palm Springs' Aerial Tramway. Spent a few hours there as we had fun with the snowball fights, ongoing picture taking, and freezing to death. I couldn't feel my hands or my feet for a good while. I loved every moment of it except falling one too many times and had my foot stuck in snow. My uncle showed the video of what went on and he caught me at some of the randomness times of the day. I want to see photos though. Favorite needs to upload them ASAP so I can show it to you guys either here or on my Facebook. Then we went to Cabazon Outlet and spent little time walking around. I knocked out while on our way back to LA. Little cousin kept leaning over and front. So annoying.

These past couple of days, I've been talking to an old ustreamer name Mike. I'm sure people forgot or rarely knew who he was, but Jana and I remembered him. He and I had an interesting conversation. We talked about relationships to funny moments when we were young. It was the longest I talked to him both AIM and phone. I slept at 5:15 a.m. the next day thanks to him. He plans to study in the Philippines for two years. Funny thing is, he hopes to not fall for any girl there or else they'll probably use him as a ticket to come to the U.S. Honestly, in some cases it does happen.

Now, I'm just here listening to Arren and Jayzon talking while Jana [as usual] types and not talk on the mic. I have Chocolate Rain stuck in my head out of random. What the heck?!

Blah blah blah...that's it for now. Good day and night!

What happen to people blogging nowadays? I miss those ]: