Just a Thought.

"Learn from your past, move on and grow stronger.
People are fake and your trust lasts longer.
Do what you have to do, but always stay true,
and never let anyone get the best of you. "

Mhmm, well said.

I've Decided . . .

. . .That I'm closing the doors to my heart for a good while. I think what is best for me right now is to get things back on track. I really don't need anyone in particular to make me content, but the thought of that doesn't seem to sink in so well. As of now, I'm going to try to break free from that. I can't sit around and ponder on what is it that I truly want nor have the same thoughts over and over. I'd be making the same exact mistakes. Things have changed over the past few weeks, and it's best if I don't dwell on anything that has happened. The time has to be now and I'm not looking back anymore.

As for that certain person, good luck with trying to get your life back together. I'm sure you'll be doing just fine.

Good day.

A Few Things to Say,

So I guess I've reached to the point where it ends here
I need to tell you what's going through my head if you were only near
Somehow I can't just let you go so easily
I hope for the last time, I want you to listen carefully
You once said that "life holds many surprises and that we're in this together"
what happen to that or was that day meaningless like any other?
It wasn't too long ago, but I still kept it in mind
In my own eyes, you're still a one of a kind
You've gone through so much and I wish I can still be there
But I'm not sure if you'd let me, yet I still care
You're probably one of the few I don't see myself departing from
I still think of you each day, from night until the sun comes
Times have changed, but my feelings remained the same
I'll either give this up or go through the waiting game
But what is there to wait for when it may be too late?
My time may be up, so go find yourself a potential mate
I'm sure that my existence no longer matters to you
Even if we were never in a relationship, everything I said will always be true
Deny it all you want, but you know it was never a lie
Get your life straightened, and stop ending up as a pigsty
You still have such great potential, you can go far
I'm saying this because I know you'll reach for those stars
No matter how complex you can be, I liked you for who you once were
I wish that person would come back, that's for sure
I guess there's nothing much for me to say anymore
What I must focus is what the future has in store
As for you, quit being an imbecile and begin to realize
Never lose what you have that is in front of your eyes

Random Venting.

To love someone, that kind of feeling doesn't come often. Sometimes, people confuse love with infatuation. Not everyone can tell how love is like or what it is. Other times, love can be meaningless because I believe people are afraid to step forward and taking risks, even if it means that your heart could be on the line for rejection. I can't say that I have fully experienced love yet. I have gone through past relationships, which weren't so great. At least, I had the experience to know that I once had someone who felt the same way towards me as I did for them. Why am I all of a sudden talking about this? You can say something made me realize that love is such a beautiful thing to have. I'm so envious when it comes to seeing couples around me. or watching those Asian dramas that have that whole fairy tale scene. It's not that I want that kind of love to come already, but the thought of having someone who truly loves you for the person you are can give you the best feeling in the whole world. I wish guys these days would be like the ones from those Asian dramas I've seen. I think any girl would want that kind of fantasy as well. Everyone deserves a somebody after all, well in my opinion.

Experiencing love is one thing, but going through rejection is another. You can never hope too much to keep everything the same with you and the person you say you're in love with. I think change can be both ways depending on what. Everyone hates to have themselves be rejected from the person they hope to have. It's not the best feeling to have because it brings you pain. That kind of pain can lead to things you don't want to deal, but over time...it may eventually disappear. There are others who want to end up being alone because they feel there's no one who can make their life complete. You really don't need that certain someone to be happy, but to be content of what you do have. It's not wrong to be on your own, yet again...you don't want to miss out on the best things life can ever give you. Going through rejection can make people go insane, and possibly do things they regret to do. I mean, I don't blame anyone who is going through that right now, but it's best if they continue to move forward and hope for the near future. It's never the end of the world, but a beginning I suppose. I remember having myself rejected from past guys, only because they felt that I was more of a friend to them. I've had some guys whose feelings for me disappeared overtime either because someone else came into their life or felt it was meaningless. I hate to say this, but I really just wanted to hate them for that. I'm sure anyone would feel the same as I did. We all want a somebody with a pure personality and hopefully create a life with one day. It only takes a matter of time to find out who it is you'd like to spend the rest of your life with. That's why, I'm not giving up and wait around for that to happen one day. I'm happy of where I am, even if I have some things bothering me, but it's alright.

What I do wish is at least...that one person to accept myself for the person I was born to be. I'm tired of believing one's own words about me, and in the end...it absolutely means nothing to him. I feel foolish to say this, but this isn't the first I've went through. I guess it takes a whole lot for one person to see the beauty of my heart. Whatever my heart feels, it'll stay the same no matter how long it has been. I don't call it love because I don't see it as love just yet. It doesn't seem as though this kind of thing bothers me, but it does here and there. All I'm doing is being the best I am and whoever reads this, I'm sure things will go smoothly, with or without that person. I will one day understand the real meaning of love, but this is just...my way of how I see it.

I only wish that my heart can finally be accepted for once...

Do I Really Need a Title?

Just recently, I talked to someone regarding my situation about my way of thinking towards life. I mean let's face it, life will always throw you down, but you have to keep standing up and fight for what you want. I didn't fully put that into mind for so long, until now. Maybe I finally sat down and thought more on it, that out of nowhere...it just got to me. So I did some thinking that involved people's advice that they've given me from the past and recent. I know for a fact that I haven't exactly made any positive actions towards myself. So I'd like to start over and pretend that my negativity was never there to begin with. I'd like to finally get things done without doubting if I will. I want to stop letting myself suffer and actually give effort into doing what I feel is the best for me. I've put myself down for so long, maybe over the past months. It's time to end it right now, and I've said this about a million times...but I really truly mean it at this point. I have to gain that self-confidence back and get into gear.

Just earlier, a great friend of mine and I are planning to sign up for this Internship called the Youth Drug Abuse Prevention Program, which is a one-year commitment program involving building leadership skills, doing outreach, gaining communication skills, etc. We're thinking of starting our personal statements on the day that we'll meet, which is this Friday. Honestly, I am excited to get this done because this is a start of a new thing for me. Getting rid of my old habits and aiming for the things I'd hope to get. Senior year is a little over a month away and I know it'll go by quick. I don't want to start off a new year again with the same routine. I still have to decide on what to write for the personal statement. I have 8 days to complete it, so it's no biggie.

Dark Knight's been out and I've heard that everything came out fantastic from the movie in terms of acting and effects. Heath Ledger did an amazing job, though. I'm sure his family is proud of him for his performance to this new Batman installment. Well I'm watching this movie in two days with two of my good friends. We'd probably do a whole lot of photography while waiting for the movie and such. I heard there's going to be a lot of people going this Friday, which is like a downer because there's a good chance that it'll be sold out, AGAIN. I heard the movie's sold out for another week, which is a bummer. So I hope we get the tickets early and make sure we get things done. I'd hate to have this day ruined, though I am still stoked for it.

Oh and btw, I LOVE YOU DANTE LATTE <3>

Poems.

I wrote this short poem within 5 minutes for a friend, who is going through a situation similar to what I wrote. I used to write poems from time to time. I just had the urge to write this one down. Enjoy!

you say you want to get rid of me
push me aside and put me into misery
yet somehow, you want me to stay
i feel like this is just a game you play
why don't you just stop and forget me then?
the clock's ticking faster, it strikes at ten
before i knew it, everything is falling apart
do you want us to finally depart?
my last moments of what i want to say is fading
i can't keep up with this, i hate the waiting
have you ever considered to think on how i feel?
the things you do or say is hurtful, so what is the deal?
if i keep staying, who knows how my stability will be
let me get out of this nightmare, and let me be free

I also wrote one for a friend, who wanted a very happy poem. This one took about 5-10 minutes to write. Yes, I am that great aren't I? ;]

One night, I dreamed of flowers blossoming everywhere
I lay down for quite sometime and gave the sky such a stare
I wasn’t sure on where I was, but I didn’t want to walk away
This place was an escape from reality, a place for me to stay
Everything around me was beautiful and serene
This was by far the best thing I have ever seen
I remember running gracefully with the wind blowing through my hair
I felt that I was finally in my own place and didn’t care
Nothing stopped me from enjoying what was present
The fresh air of this earth, the magnificent flower scent
Once the sun was down, the moon started to rise
I knew from right there that this is what I call my paradise

My Latte & Work

Today was my first day of work at the Foundation for Second Chances Inc. which is located in downtown Los Angeles. I only get to work 4 hours from Monday through Friday. Luckily, my supervisor was kind enough to let 3 students and I miss Thursday and Friday due to that we may not be doing much while working for the next month. We'll still get paid knowing that we won't be at work after Wednesday. So far it's pretty good actually. I like the environment, but not at downtown. 3 students and I organized these worksheets for elementary and middle school students, putting them in order by grade level. It was a hassle because there were so many stacks of worksheets around during those 4 hours, but we managed to get through it. I got a free bus pass to come to work and go home afterwards. Now I have no trouble with transportation but skeptical about going there alone knowing that I'm cautious about the people around me. The minimum wage is $8.00 an hour, which is considered good. I'm stoked to be working with the non-profit organization and with this experience, it should be a good one. I'm starting to get used to the place after all.

Just a few days ago, I met this girl of a friend I used to be close with back in middle school. Actually, I met her through skype, but managed to remember her from Ustream. She lives in the same city as me, and somehow we managed to click! She's one awesome individual. Lately, she and I have been talking nonstop about a lot of things and comment one another on Facebook. We're planning to meet up for a hang out and hopefully do this video with a good friend of ours regarding the 'Tim Tam Slam'. If you have no idea what that is, look it up on Youtube.com or Wikipedia. Anyway, I absolutely love this gal. I haven't known her for the longest, but these past few days have been BOMBDIGGITY! I didn't expect to be this attached to her, I mean not in THAT kind of way but friendship wise. I love our talks and hopefully we'll be able to get to know each other quite often. Why the heck haven't I known her yet? Geez, it had to be NOW. Regardless, I am glad to be speaking to her. She's one of those people whom you may not encounter at a regular basis, yet you seem to see something special from this person. Well, that's how I view her as. She's definitely my summer, fall, winter, and spring buddy forever and ever. Haha <3 Love you, my Latte!

ANNOYANCE.

I love how people seem to know what kind of a person I really am in such a negative matter that I should have a label to wear on a daily basis. Newsflash, YOU DON'T KNOW ME WELL ENOUGH TO JUDGE. I don't care how long I've known anyone. I know damn well enough that I have made plenty of mistakes, but so does every other human being. Maybe I have been two faced, a hypocrite, a bitch, whatever it is. I'd rather not have any more bullshitting comments from anyone because it's annoying as hell. If you have nothing good to say towards me, KEEP IT TO YOUR SELF FUCKERS. I know people have talked about me from the past or even now due to what I've done, but seriously...DROP IT. I'd take everything back from the first time I've hurt someone to losing friendships due to my actions. Life goes on, and I deal with the guilt on my own. Sure it bothers me here and there, but I still have to keep walking. I'd apologize for everything I've done to certain people, but what's the use if they don't care? I'm already feeling guilty enough that I've lost people just recently. I'm tired of holding back from doing what I'm suppose to be doing right now. I get way too negative more than I ever did. Call me EMO for all I care, because I know that I have been and it's not like I'm willing to commit suicide for the fuck of it. I'm smarter than you think. SHUT YOUR MOTHER EFFIN MOUTH and get the fuck away from me if you know what's good for you. I'm sick of letting others step over me as if I'm too vulnerable to fight back. I don't fight back because it's useless and I know it. I have no fucking animosity towards anyone, yet I keep getting such bullcrap out of nowhere either because of something I've said or whatever. I'm tired of getting angry because this makes me eventually become hostile due to the negativity I get. Luckily I know how to calm myself down from this crap. This is making me feel uncomfortable to even talk about it. I END IT HERE.

GOOD FUCKING DAY, ASSHOLES.

I've Realized

Whenever I have the opportunity for something I've been wanting to have, I screw it up towards the end. Maybe the reason is that I'm afraid I have no chance into getting it nor feel any confidence within myself that I can do anything. I hate that about myself. I'm annoyed to the fullest extent. I don't want to screw anything else further. I hate to keep venting about it to certain people knowing how it may annoy or piss them off. At times I feel like a total idiot if I don't pick up so quickly with certain things, if that makes sense. I don't understand about myself anymore. I just feel that I'm going with the flow with how my body is changing in terms of emotions and reactions. One minute I'm optimistic over something I'm hoping to accomplish and the next thing I know it, I end up being the opposite and mess things up. I don't give myself enough credit for anything nor do I have the full confidence to achieve what is out there. People say I can go over the distance and all, but does that really help me? I guess I'm letting these negative thoughts get the best of me, I don't seem to see what's in front of me that is important. I'm agitated into thinking too much over the same shit. I just want to stab someone for doing this over and over. It makes me break down into tears that I can't stop myself from doing this. I know that I have what it takes, but it all depends if I can think and feel that I can. Honestly I'm just throwing things down on this blog and not even sure if what I said matters or is difficult to comprehend. Blah, I really can't take this stupid crap any longer. I got to stop letting myself suffer and do something about it other than talking about it to people or even here. I'm such a fucking moron. How ridiculous can I get? This is getting out of hand for my behalf.

From the Past to Now

I use to wonder why is it that everytime the rain falls I get this depressing feeling. I used to think that being in a imaginative world was the only world I'd ever live in. You can say I was a child with fantasies about life and where it'll take me. Like any other kid, I dream for the unthinkable. May not seem like it today, but in some ways I still do. It amazes me to still get in touch with that younger side of me. Now that I've reached the legal age, I've practically grew up from being the immature child to learning how to take things responsibly. I still have my times where I'm not the person I should be. I still annoy my parents with my procrastination. I do things last minute, yet I seem to get majority of it finished somehow.

Some things seem to give me flashbacks. I missed how I cared less for anything going on so I wouldn't have anything to worry for. I missed how I went outside of my old home and enjoy the daylight with random neighbors feeling joyful. I used to be cheerful and used to believe things would bright up for my future. Now that I'm here years from now, my outlook on life has changed. I still struggle to get to the place in which I want to be. I've become a little more insecure and pessimistic more than I ever have. I hate thinking too much over the same thing.

Whatever, I'll edit it later.

Pessimistic.

I'm starting to think too deeply over certain things running on my mind. It's moments like this that bring my confidence down. Anything, even the littlest things can affect my behavior. The most I've done lately is vent, especially here. I don't know why I can't seem to open up to my close friends about my situations anymore. Only Deborah and some of my online buddies whom I've been speaking to kind of know how I've been feeling. I try to stay as positive as I can, but the feeling of thinking that I'm not good enough for anything really is a bother. I can't seem to find a place for peace in this house. I'm always interrupted by my parents each time they tell me to do something for them. It pisses me off that I can't get any privacy at all. When the days go by, all I do in my bedroom is sit down and listen to music. I let the music drive me to a whole new world where reality never existed. I guess you can say that I don't enjoy living in reality.

Ever since I was young, I've felt so alone in this world. I'm sure everyone has said the same thing, too. I may have the people that say they care for me and meant it, but sometimes it's not enough. I'm starting to slowly push people away again. I remember when I did that, my friendship to those certain people has vanished to thin air. I lose people and gain more. I don't forget anyone because they have given me memories to remember by. I still feel that I'm not as good as what people say about me. I appreciate their encouragement and support. It's just the fact that I don't have enough assurance to myself knocks me over. Instead of dealing with what' present, I dream for the impossible. Yes, I still dream for what I want even if I may not get the chance to reach to that point. I don't know what I want anymore. I'm starting to tear up slowly. I don't know how to put every single feeling I'm having to this blog. I feel confused, hurt, lost, upset, pathetic, foolish, and hopeless. It's a surprise that for one single moment can easily bring my self-esteem down. Call me stupid, I don't care. I've been called that one too many times. I'm used to the criticism, at least just certain ones. Sometimes I take things right up the ass depending on what. I'm usually a cheerful individual these days. I'm not really good at giving myself enough confidence as much as I used to. The more I grow, the more I understand myself. It's just...I'm used to look at things negatively. It seems that I may be complicated to comprehend. Not everyone can break that wall between us. No matter how content or how grateful I am for living, I still feel somewhat empty at times. I don't want to go on like this anymore. I need change. I need assurance. I need to be the person I want to be. I just want to live life better...

What Title?

Apparently, I can't really think of a title for this blog. Might as well let out on what's been going on.

This lady from this UCLA program for youth jobs called me recently regarding my application. She said she needed a few mature students for this particular position that only 2 will be selected. Since I'm one of the qualifying individuals, I have to make an arrangement for my job interview next week. I haven't called her back on what date I'd like to go, but I have a feeling I'm going to choose the 9th around 9-10 am. Hopefully I'll be able to get this job. If I'm selected, I start sometime around the 14th from 8:30-12:30 pm Mon-Friday. Not sure on how much I'll get paid though. As long as I get a job, I'll be good during summer.

I finally called my dentist to schedule an appointment regarding my braces on Saturday. I'm scheduled in for 2 pm and my mother is going with me as well. I haven't been in touch with my dentist for so long that I'm so late to get braces. I had my X-Ray completed about half a year ago, so I should be all set by now. Senior year is right around the corner and I'm going to deal with the fact that my braces might be a bother. It's a good thing that I'm finally getting them though. I should've got it a few years back. I hope Saturday is the day so I can get it over with already. I'm sick of pushing it back and wait on when to get them.

Summer hasn't been that boring lately. I've gone out here and there, but mostly at home talking to my Skype Crew members. I've been sleeping late as well. The latest is around 3 am now. My body growth has stopped I believe so I won't be getting any taller than I desire to be. I've consumed more food than I imagined. I need to make my list on what to do during my summer. I don't want to end up doing the same routine all over again and pretend that alot of things happened when nothing much came about. I should definitely make a scrapbook for memories. I know I haven't quite taken as many photos as I wanted, but Senior year will be it. I'll miss my current friends from LAHS. I don't really keep in contact with them during our two month break. Once school starts, we'll be catching up on the good & bad things that happened while spending summer away from school. Everything will seem like we just started high school all over again as 9th graders. Pretty weird, but that's how it feels for me. Things will be different once we go back. New classes, new people, teachers, and maybe new personalities. I've noticed for the past year people have changed on who they are, which prevents me from figuring out as to why this change occurred. It's like that one quote "whatever happens, happens." I mean sure I agree with that quote and all, but I seem to be curious for the reason as to why things just turned out the way they are. I hate to go on without knowing the purpose that it happened. That's how I've been thus far over the past month. Things are beginning to clear up and I'm not so stressed or worried as I was few weeks ago. I am however content of where I am, despite of certain things. I hope it'll stay this way for the time being *knocks on wood*.

I'll edit later if anything else is up.

Drop-In Center Field Trip & Skype Changes.

I went out with some of the members of the Drop-In Center for mini golf and laser tag. It turned out great! The heat was annoying, but everything else was alright. I was almost left behind when I found out everyone was in the bus as I was getting my food from the counter at Castle Park. It was kind of embarrassing, yet hilarious. My group lost during laser tag after two rounds. I kept being a part of the yellow team, no matter who was on my group. Lol, running around trying to shoot your opponents was tiring. Overall, I love and will miss the experiences I've had with the members. The main coordinators, Ernie and Yenny are in negotiations with the new after school program regarding whether or not they'll remain at LA High. I do hope that they do stay because they sure kick ass. I may do some community service/leadership related programs sometime during summer and perhaps throughout the whole senior year. I sure do need to step it up more.

Now on to Skype. Basically, it's a way to communicate with others through your microphone that acts like a telephone. Though it has some issues with the major lags and what not, it's a useful program that helps you keep in touch better than Ustream.tv I suppose. So far it's been great talking to the Ustream members, well just certain ones. These newbies keep entering our chat and conference, which is going too far. I love our 'Skype Crew' and all, which consists of at least 12-13 people. Nowadays it's like 16. That can nearly destroy my internet. The noobs are expanding and it's not good. They make the conversation awkward and uninteresting. At first I was used to Ustream full of noobies these days, but Skype is another story. I don't mean to sound selfish or anything, but lately it hasn't been the same. Skype has brought people closer, especially with the people I've been speaking to now. I know our conversations can be off topic at times, but the beauty of it is the closure from each and every one of us, as well as what we have in common. I'm not interested into talking to such annoying and odd individuals who are only on the conference because the main person that is in charge of the chat in which they were/are in, is either the host or participating. Certain people add these noobs and it has to be stopped. Skype is the only place in which we all connect and having more useless people is apparently getting out of hand. I don't know if anyone would agree to this, but hey...everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I just hope this cools down soon though. It's not so exciting as it used to, but it's still worth it.