I've Realized

Whenever I have the opportunity for something I've been wanting to have, I screw it up towards the end. Maybe the reason is that I'm afraid I have no chance into getting it nor feel any confidence within myself that I can do anything. I hate that about myself. I'm annoyed to the fullest extent. I don't want to screw anything else further. I hate to keep venting about it to certain people knowing how it may annoy or piss them off. At times I feel like a total idiot if I don't pick up so quickly with certain things, if that makes sense. I don't understand about myself anymore. I just feel that I'm going with the flow with how my body is changing in terms of emotions and reactions. One minute I'm optimistic over something I'm hoping to accomplish and the next thing I know it, I end up being the opposite and mess things up. I don't give myself enough credit for anything nor do I have the full confidence to achieve what is out there. People say I can go over the distance and all, but does that really help me? I guess I'm letting these negative thoughts get the best of me, I don't seem to see what's in front of me that is important. I'm agitated into thinking too much over the same shit. I just want to stab someone for doing this over and over. It makes me break down into tears that I can't stop myself from doing this. I know that I have what it takes, but it all depends if I can think and feel that I can. Honestly I'm just throwing things down on this blog and not even sure if what I said matters or is difficult to comprehend. Blah, I really can't take this stupid crap any longer. I got to stop letting myself suffer and do something about it other than talking about it to people or even here. I'm such a fucking moron. How ridiculous can I get? This is getting out of hand for my behalf.