Indecisive.

Don't you hate choosing one thing over another and realize it may not be what you wanted? So you tend to switch back and forth before your head starts to explode. THAT'S EXACTLY HOW IT'S BEEN NOW.

It's almost April and by then will be a month before I make my final decision about which college to attend to. Yes I know two blogs ago I said I may take community college for two years and then transfer to a UC. I've told myself so many times to have it sink into my head. Well honestly I don't see myself going there as much as I used to. My mind set keeps constantly changing it leaves me indecisive now. It's like I don't want to deal with this anymore and sadly as a senior I have to.

Last night I talked to Ernie for an hour as soon as I got home from my YDAPP meeting. I needed to vent after a while of thinking and having this burden on my shoulders. When UC notifications came out, I realized I made a mistake of not applying to any of them. At the time I thought to myself that it wouldn't matter much since I probably wouldn't get in anyway. Even if that were to happen, at least I gave it a try right? It sucks to know that I didn't try at all. I had the personal statement set and I had no problem with it. All of a sudden I gave up on the application process. My self-esteem shot down to the lowest level I didn't expect. I come on facebook and read statuses from some of my friends and had something like this:

'[insert name] OMG I GOT DENIED FROM UCSD BUT I GOT INTO U-C-L-A!!!!!'

Basically they were mostly from UCLA and some other colleges too. I couldn't be any more disappointed at myself for not even trying to apply. That's one of the things that still bother me from time to time. Another thing is the fact that I'm considering community college knowing that I applied and got accepted into 3 CSU's. I should take an advantage of giving CSU a try right? Of course. The thought of going to be financially in debt scares me, but that's something most college students go through their freshman year. I wasn't ready for that to happen and either way it might if I take out some loans. I've been attending a school with free education for 12 years of my life. It wouldn't hurt to start paying tuition for a 4-year university right now, depending on the cost I guess. I should just stop thinking too much and realize I have an opportunity in front of me that I know I can't refuse. Why am I making it so difficult for myself?

I guess that I'm afraid to face reality...the thought of being on my own and learn to support myself throughout a 4 year university is overwhelming. I know at some point I will have to go through it and I got nothing to lose. I just don't want to keep jumping back and forth anymore. I wish I knew what to do about this. If there was a miraculous event that were to happen by now, damn I hope it'll help me talk some sense into myself. But I think I'll have the answer on my own soon enough. I don't think community college may be a definite answer anymore. People would kill to be in my shoes if an opportunity like this being offered to them. I need to open my eyes more and stop looking at the negative side of things. My head still hurts from last night's thinking. Today's talk with a friend did help me rethink it over...so I'm thankful I have people I can turn to at a time like this.

I don't want to rush anything and see where it goes. I can't afford to make another remark at this point. What I have left this semester is something I have to give my all to. This is it...my last step towards graduation and I'm out.