Don't you hate it when you're at a point in your life where everything is finally falling into place, and a small thing just seems to ruin it? I really hate it with a passion. I know life throws things out in the way unexpectedly, but just going through this kills. I wish things wouldn't be this difficult. Too bad we all have to get through it somehow.
I still have yet to feel that things are starting to go my way. I mean nothing can go your way as always. But I just wish things would work out for once without any doubt that it wouldn't. What kills is when people get in the way. You just want to strangle them and push them in the flames of fire for that. Well not really, but you'd be furious right? I hate distractions especially when people don't realize they're the cause of it. I'm not saying any of you guys are but certain people in school or elsewhere don't seem to understand where their limits lie. It's not like people in my school life will stay in mine forever anyway since we'll be graduating in less than a year.
So many choices to make, so little time. Yeah and I'm talking about what I want to do with my life. I still don't know and even if I knew, I probably would be doubtful about it because I'm constantly changing my mind to see a different outcome of it. I hate being so indecisive because it throws me off track. If I want more than one thing even if I'm suppose to pick just one, it's harder to decide. I can never stick to one thing I'm passionate about. There's so much out there to experience, yet I can't do all at the same time. I'm impressed that people have their own passion whether if it's performing arts, major in biomedical engineering, or even become a doctor. That shows you're that determine to stick to one thing rather than what's offered. I know that in due time, I'll finally realize what my real passion is. If only I thought of this when I was younger, then I wouldn't have an issue to deal with it now. Then again, people go through the same thing. If I had to, I would go back in time and plan everything out, Making sure things go smoothly well and even if there were issues, I would try to fix it as much as I can. It bothers me that I think of this last minute and I have a small amount of time for it. Well it feels like that anyway.
I've realized I'm not as close to God as my family are. Maybe I'm losing my interest into God because I don't put enough effort to make him a part of my life or maybe I question his existence. Don't get me wrong, I'm always curious about everything, but when it comes to God and all, I'm just unsure. Being a Catholic throughout my whole life has made me feel that I haven't really indulged myself in being religious. I'm always bored when it comes to attending mass or doing the rosary. Even I stopped praying at night because of it. I already have my communion and my confirmation, but does that really make me feel like a true Catholic? I feel that God's probably disappointed in me of the things I've done, especially this. I've always wondered if he's really looking after me and seeing my flaws. It's like he has me all figured out and I feel there's no way to redeem myself. That's why I want to start over and try giving him a chance to be in my life again. I've felt like this for so long that I can't keep going without realizing that God will always be a huge impact in my life. I guess I'm in that phase where I'm unsure on what to really believe. In a way, I've been agnostic due to my lack of attention to God or questioning the faith. It feels so weird to even talk about this because I haven't exactly said this to anyone at all. I just feel so guilty for some reason.
I'm going to edit tomorrow. I'm exhausted and it's getting late.
I still have yet to feel that things are starting to go my way. I mean nothing can go your way as always. But I just wish things would work out for once without any doubt that it wouldn't. What kills is when people get in the way. You just want to strangle them and push them in the flames of fire for that. Well not really, but you'd be furious right? I hate distractions especially when people don't realize they're the cause of it. I'm not saying any of you guys are but certain people in school or elsewhere don't seem to understand where their limits lie. It's not like people in my school life will stay in mine forever anyway since we'll be graduating in less than a year.
So many choices to make, so little time. Yeah and I'm talking about what I want to do with my life. I still don't know and even if I knew, I probably would be doubtful about it because I'm constantly changing my mind to see a different outcome of it. I hate being so indecisive because it throws me off track. If I want more than one thing even if I'm suppose to pick just one, it's harder to decide. I can never stick to one thing I'm passionate about. There's so much out there to experience, yet I can't do all at the same time. I'm impressed that people have their own passion whether if it's performing arts, major in biomedical engineering, or even become a doctor. That shows you're that determine to stick to one thing rather than what's offered. I know that in due time, I'll finally realize what my real passion is. If only I thought of this when I was younger, then I wouldn't have an issue to deal with it now. Then again, people go through the same thing. If I had to, I would go back in time and plan everything out, Making sure things go smoothly well and even if there were issues, I would try to fix it as much as I can. It bothers me that I think of this last minute and I have a small amount of time for it. Well it feels like that anyway.
I've realized I'm not as close to God as my family are. Maybe I'm losing my interest into God because I don't put enough effort to make him a part of my life or maybe I question his existence. Don't get me wrong, I'm always curious about everything, but when it comes to God and all, I'm just unsure. Being a Catholic throughout my whole life has made me feel that I haven't really indulged myself in being religious. I'm always bored when it comes to attending mass or doing the rosary. Even I stopped praying at night because of it. I already have my communion and my confirmation, but does that really make me feel like a true Catholic? I feel that God's probably disappointed in me of the things I've done, especially this. I've always wondered if he's really looking after me and seeing my flaws. It's like he has me all figured out and I feel there's no way to redeem myself. That's why I want to start over and try giving him a chance to be in my life again. I've felt like this for so long that I can't keep going without realizing that God will always be a huge impact in my life. I guess I'm in that phase where I'm unsure on what to really believe. In a way, I've been agnostic due to my lack of attention to God or questioning the faith. It feels so weird to even talk about this because I haven't exactly said this to anyone at all. I just feel so guilty for some reason.
I'm going to edit tomorrow. I'm exhausted and it's getting late.
hey, just think about penguins whenever you're feeling down. It will make you think "wtf, penguins?" but it will kinda take your mind off of it for a while
ReplyDeletehaha i dunno. -]
Abby, if you ever need someone to just rant or complain to, I'm here for you.
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone. Senior year is difficult because it feels like you never did enough when you could have, what you are doing isn't making a difference, or you're freaking out because of the future.
Add in all the daily stresses of life and it feels like you're screwed. Good thing pretty much everyone goes through it so we can all moan together, right?
If you want to talk about religion, message me anytime. Being in a Catholic private school for 13 years rubs off on ya.
It's weird, but I think my blog is somehow related to your blog entry. Ya know how I mentioned that small mishap? Well, that mishap was when i realized that I didn't take one of my exams for my java class. I freaked and I instantly contacted my professor despite the policy being that you have to have an emergency that's well documented in order to do a makeup. I think it's all in how we perceive life and the obstacles that come our way. Try not to get hung up on each and every thing that doesn't go your way, but rather focus on the blessing and miracle of getting out of those obstacles each and every time. you'll learn something and things won't affect you as much in the long run. :]
ReplyDeletehoping your feeling better,
steven