From one topic to another

I actually like this photo, even though I look like crap.

It feels like just yesterday that senior year started. Now it's the 22nd of November, and I'm more than half done with first semester. After that, I go on a two month break and return in March. Seriously, can it get any faster? It's so quick for me, I wish I can slow time down.

Academic wise, I'm surviving but I can do a WHOLE lot better than this. My GPA is decent, although I know I could've excelled in the AP classes which I dropped. I regretted in some classes, but I realized that I would not have a life if I stayed. I'm only in one AP class, but it's slow. It's not the kind of class where you're expected to turn in two chapters of homework on the same week or something. It's ridiculously slow I tell you. There's not enough people in the class, but we've only reviewed 3 chapters throughout this semester. Eeek, I feel like I'm wasting time in this course.

College wise, I've received an admission letter from Cal State University Los Angeles, which brought me a sense of relief considering of how the CSU budget cuts are taking effect. I'm still waiting for other letters from 4 CSUs and I really need to get started with my UC apps. I think by the end, I may not be able to finish it...and there's only 8 days until the deadline. I have to write 2 personal statements before the 30th and get my application checked before submitted. I'm not going to make the same mistakes that I did with the CSUs. I also have to work on this app for Mount St. Mary's College, and maybe one for Concordia University. My only concern is how much time I have left to get this done and keeping up with the grades. Ahh I'm going to LOVE college...heh.

It's been more than a month and I have not spoken to my best friend. I've called her a few times, but no answer. I've been updated with her guy best friend, Edgar [also my hc date] and said she's been crying over her longtime boyfriend and such. Personally, I stopped trying to break the ice in order for her to tell me what's going on. It's not like I care about her problems with him as I used to. I don't want to keep butting in when it clearly has nothing to do with me. So why even bother? She doesn't even call me either. I'm sure it's about school and all, but not even during weekends when she should be free. So I'll just have to go with the flow and see what's up. As much as I'd like to be there like I should, she needs her space. Over these past few months, we haven't been as close as we used to from the beginning. Of course things happen to change overtime, but that's life. No one expects things to be the same, whether if it's for the better or not. I do miss the good times with her though.

One thing I don't enjoy about working with groups is the fact that people get so lazy to get their part done, they expect others to finish it. I feel like smacking these people with a hard cover book. At my YDAPP meeting, there's people who sit around and make conversation while making very little progress to get their task done. I find it really annoying that they keep doing this, especially when some have to facilitate a meeting. They keep stalling which puts us behind our schedule. The person in charge of the program isn't as strict or aggressive. So people take advantage of his kindness and I find that pretty pathetic. It makes me question as to how they got in the program in the first place. It's not that I don't like these people because I've gotten to know them over these past few months. It's the fact that they're not fully into what's the meaning of being a part of YDAPP. Yeah, I'm sure they're in it just to add this to their resume or college application because that's what I think most people are doing right now. I find it shameful, but I'm not them so I'm not going to be concern about it.

Earlier this week, I've been stressed out while trying to get my stuff together. I got home from my YDAPP meeting, feeling as if I had too much caffeine from that iced coffee I tried from Mcdonald's. Even if it was medium size, it gave me a weird reaction to it. I rarely drink coffee, so I guess that's why. I was afraid that it would boost up my blood pressure, thinking that I may get diabetes or something. When I got home, my mom was somewhat pissed over the amount of calls we received from school regarding attendance. I tried explaining her about it, but she shut me out this time, saying she no longer wants to do with it. So from that point, I found it pointless and did nothing about it. I hate that she doesn't give me the right to say my part and expects me to keep my mouth shut. I don't want to keep arguing over and over knowing that the outcome isn't going to make anything better.

I later broke down while on the phone with Jayther on the same night. I was venting over how much I have to do for school, thinking about what college to go to, and not enough support I get from people around me...even my parents. The amount of pressure I've been receiving brought me down to a point where I want to give it all up. As difficult as it already is, I can't turn back after how far I've come to get here. I'm too tired to keep up with everything when it is my priority. It slowly makes me depressed, but that's not going anywhere for me. I wish I have the amount of support that most teens have from their parents or the motivation that I should have from the very beginning. I wouldn't be in this mess by now, but I put this upon myself. So it's also my fault for it.

Everyday, I'm always wondering how my future would turn out if I were to be a sociology major, or a photographer making very little money. Those are what I feel I want to go after, but would it make me feel any better? People are more focused on the career that will give them a stable life instead of chasing after their passion. Honestly, I don't think I have a passion for anything right now. I jump from one thing to another and that's all I can do in order to find my potential. So Jana, if you're reading this I'm sure as heck know how it's like in your shoes at this moment. What's better...going after something you truly love to do or something that can make you successful, even if what you're doing isn't what you wanted? I'm not sure if that made sense, but whatever it is that you are doing, make sure it's what both your heart and mind want and not because you feel you HAVE to take it. Think about it. No one can decide on how to live your life, but you.

That is all. I feel this blog isn't as exciting. I'm such a boring person :P