Have you had a feeling where you feel that you've accomplished so much, yet you feel you haven't accomplished enough? Yeah, that's how I feel right now.
It's not even half of my senior year and I'm starting to worry. I find out my GPA is on the border line of the 3.0 mark. Honestly, I'm just pissed off. Some of my friends said they would be so happy with that GPA, and I know I should be too. It's like, I wasted about 3 years of opportunities to raise it up to the GPA I've desired. Then, I come to find the exact calculation at this point. I'm starting to regret on the times where my grades were decent. At least I passed, but I wanted to make it up rather than procrastinating so much and think it's okay to leave it how it is.
This is like a moment every Asian kid go through at a regular basis. I on the other hand go through this twice in a few months because I don't seem to indulge myself into hardcore studying like they do. In the end, I manage to get the grades I want and sometimes grades I wish I didn't get. All I do is the usual routine. How tiring is that? I don't go out as often as I used to because school has returned. Hitting the books it the one option I have left to get the roman silver [which is from 3.0-3.5]. Now I'm going into the whole 'what if I could've done this?' phase.
College applications are less than a month away. Some have started with their college applications. I should've planned this months before so it would be easier on my end. Why didn't I push myself enough to the limit where I'm at least satisfied? Oh well...I've come this far and have not given up. It's really on now.
Aside from that, I found out my best friend of 3 years just got 'engaged'. I don't know if it's official right now. I just know it happened 3 days ago and she didn't bother telling me about that or anything going on. We haven't talked in so long. I called her on friday before I left for camp. Obviously, no answer so I gave up calling after 3 times. I miss her. I'm sure she's doing swell. I might go to Oxnard this weekend to visit. I don't feel like going, which is a shocker. As much as I'd like to visit her, it's a bit awkward. I don't know what else to talk to her about other than the usual. I guess things have slightly changed.
Knowing that she and her boyfriend are truly in love after nearly two years, I'm sitting here and wonder how a love like that can be strong despite of their distance. He moved during summer to Arizona and she's already used to how it's been. I remember how she used to come to me for anything that had to do with him. I would be furious depending on the situation and sometimes wish that they would end their relationship. I didn't like her boyfriend at first because of his immaturity. Who am I kidding...he's a year younger than her. It was bound to happen, but overtime he managed to change. I slowly starting accepting him, yet not completely. I still think he's annoying and needy at times. What can I say, he's in love with my best friend, so let it be. She and I had talks about my opinion towards him. She wishes that I would try to get to know him better, which I did. I'm not up for the closure though. Even if I have his cell phone number, I'd rather delete it. It's not like I'll talk to him every day like my best friend does.
One thing that I'll admit I'm jealous about is their chemistry. Almost two years of being together is a bit of a lifetime for me. Okay not really, but it seems like forever. I haven't hold that relationship so long. My relationships pretty much failed, but I don't care. It was out of experience. The question is...when am I going to have that kind of love my best friend has with her boyfriend? Time will only tell. She and I had talks about our future. I wanted to have someone who can accept me for who I am and grow a life together. AHAH that sounds cheesy, I know. In all seriousness, I really do. I mean, who doesn't? Here I am being single for almost a year and I still haven't found that guy. I'm young and I understand I have a whole life to find that person. It's just, I sometimes wish I can find him at this point or the other way around. I don't know, I'm talking all foolish here. It takes a matter of time to wait for that to happen. Maybe I just feel somewhat lonely...what a noob. I can be happier being on my own. Independence is key. But every night, I lie down, look at the ceiling and have flashbacks of how I was with someone. The feeling if having butterflies in your stomach, endless smile from your face and the amount of joy you have with that person. I really do miss that.
Everyday, I wake up and realize I have a while to figure it out. Finding out who can possess the one thing that I rarely give. I've given that thing to people whom I love and adore. Just not that person yet. We all want a love with flaws, yet a blissful kind of love. The kind that's worth to fight for and share that experience with someone. Yeah, I'm such a poop talking about this. Haha, I'm probably over my head, but it's true. Things like this aren't always the topic to talk about regularly. I guess it's that time to let it out again because it's what I've thought of all day.
I think that's about it, unless I'd like to change things which I won't for now.
It's not even half of my senior year and I'm starting to worry. I find out my GPA is on the border line of the 3.0 mark. Honestly, I'm just pissed off. Some of my friends said they would be so happy with that GPA, and I know I should be too. It's like, I wasted about 3 years of opportunities to raise it up to the GPA I've desired. Then, I come to find the exact calculation at this point. I'm starting to regret on the times where my grades were decent. At least I passed, but I wanted to make it up rather than procrastinating so much and think it's okay to leave it how it is.
This is like a moment every Asian kid go through at a regular basis. I on the other hand go through this twice in a few months because I don't seem to indulge myself into hardcore studying like they do. In the end, I manage to get the grades I want and sometimes grades I wish I didn't get. All I do is the usual routine. How tiring is that? I don't go out as often as I used to because school has returned. Hitting the books it the one option I have left to get the roman silver [which is from 3.0-3.5]. Now I'm going into the whole 'what if I could've done this?' phase.
College applications are less than a month away. Some have started with their college applications. I should've planned this months before so it would be easier on my end. Why didn't I push myself enough to the limit where I'm at least satisfied? Oh well...I've come this far and have not given up. It's really on now.
Aside from that, I found out my best friend of 3 years just got 'engaged'. I don't know if it's official right now. I just know it happened 3 days ago and she didn't bother telling me about that or anything going on. We haven't talked in so long. I called her on friday before I left for camp. Obviously, no answer so I gave up calling after 3 times. I miss her. I'm sure she's doing swell. I might go to Oxnard this weekend to visit. I don't feel like going, which is a shocker. As much as I'd like to visit her, it's a bit awkward. I don't know what else to talk to her about other than the usual. I guess things have slightly changed.
Knowing that she and her boyfriend are truly in love after nearly two years, I'm sitting here and wonder how a love like that can be strong despite of their distance. He moved during summer to Arizona and she's already used to how it's been. I remember how she used to come to me for anything that had to do with him. I would be furious depending on the situation and sometimes wish that they would end their relationship. I didn't like her boyfriend at first because of his immaturity. Who am I kidding...he's a year younger than her. It was bound to happen, but overtime he managed to change. I slowly starting accepting him, yet not completely. I still think he's annoying and needy at times. What can I say, he's in love with my best friend, so let it be. She and I had talks about my opinion towards him. She wishes that I would try to get to know him better, which I did. I'm not up for the closure though. Even if I have his cell phone number, I'd rather delete it. It's not like I'll talk to him every day like my best friend does.
One thing that I'll admit I'm jealous about is their chemistry. Almost two years of being together is a bit of a lifetime for me. Okay not really, but it seems like forever. I haven't hold that relationship so long. My relationships pretty much failed, but I don't care. It was out of experience. The question is...when am I going to have that kind of love my best friend has with her boyfriend? Time will only tell. She and I had talks about our future. I wanted to have someone who can accept me for who I am and grow a life together. AHAH that sounds cheesy, I know. In all seriousness, I really do. I mean, who doesn't? Here I am being single for almost a year and I still haven't found that guy. I'm young and I understand I have a whole life to find that person. It's just, I sometimes wish I can find him at this point or the other way around. I don't know, I'm talking all foolish here. It takes a matter of time to wait for that to happen. Maybe I just feel somewhat lonely...what a noob. I can be happier being on my own. Independence is key. But every night, I lie down, look at the ceiling and have flashbacks of how I was with someone. The feeling if having butterflies in your stomach, endless smile from your face and the amount of joy you have with that person. I really do miss that.
Everyday, I wake up and realize I have a while to figure it out. Finding out who can possess the one thing that I rarely give. I've given that thing to people whom I love and adore. Just not that person yet. We all want a love with flaws, yet a blissful kind of love. The kind that's worth to fight for and share that experience with someone. Yeah, I'm such a poop talking about this. Haha, I'm probably over my head, but it's true. Things like this aren't always the topic to talk about regularly. I guess it's that time to let it out again because it's what I've thought of all day.
I think that's about it, unless I'd like to change things which I won't for now.
I think quite a few people go through that kind of thinking. That's why some people doesn't seem to be partnerless because they jump from one to another. It's the blissful feeling of love and being loved we like. I was one of those people. I just loved the feeling of being loved.
ReplyDeleteI've recently gotten over someone (you know who, and yes finally...you can read about it in my blog), and I haven't gone through, uh, withdrawal yet (I guess) because I'm happy that I'm finally over it. But I'm afraid because I know myself too well, and I will be looking again.
Luckily, though, it's just phases we (or at least, I) go through. Hope you do find a special someone that deserves your heart (when Murdoc gives it back HAHAHA).
aww abby you'll find someone.. eventually.;)
ReplyDeleteI BELIEVE IN YOUUU!!
I honeslty don't like the idea of getting engaged at such a young age. I mean really, you still got so much to live for and experience. To me its kinda ridiculous. But whatevs, not my life.
ReplyDeleteYou're still young, you got more than enough time to find that someone. :]
LOL Jayther!!