From the Past to Now

I use to wonder why is it that everytime the rain falls I get this depressing feeling. I used to think that being in a imaginative world was the only world I'd ever live in. You can say I was a child with fantasies about life and where it'll take me. Like any other kid, I dream for the unthinkable. May not seem like it today, but in some ways I still do. It amazes me to still get in touch with that younger side of me. Now that I've reached the legal age, I've practically grew up from being the immature child to learning how to take things responsibly. I still have my times where I'm not the person I should be. I still annoy my parents with my procrastination. I do things last minute, yet I seem to get majority of it finished somehow.

Some things seem to give me flashbacks. I missed how I cared less for anything going on so I wouldn't have anything to worry for. I missed how I went outside of my old home and enjoy the daylight with random neighbors feeling joyful. I used to be cheerful and used to believe things would bright up for my future. Now that I'm here years from now, my outlook on life has changed. I still struggle to get to the place in which I want to be. I've become a little more insecure and pessimistic more than I ever have. I hate thinking too much over the same thing.

Whatever, I'll edit it later.

Pessimistic.

I'm starting to think too deeply over certain things running on my mind. It's moments like this that bring my confidence down. Anything, even the littlest things can affect my behavior. The most I've done lately is vent, especially here. I don't know why I can't seem to open up to my close friends about my situations anymore. Only Deborah and some of my online buddies whom I've been speaking to kind of know how I've been feeling. I try to stay as positive as I can, but the feeling of thinking that I'm not good enough for anything really is a bother. I can't seem to find a place for peace in this house. I'm always interrupted by my parents each time they tell me to do something for them. It pisses me off that I can't get any privacy at all. When the days go by, all I do in my bedroom is sit down and listen to music. I let the music drive me to a whole new world where reality never existed. I guess you can say that I don't enjoy living in reality.

Ever since I was young, I've felt so alone in this world. I'm sure everyone has said the same thing, too. I may have the people that say they care for me and meant it, but sometimes it's not enough. I'm starting to slowly push people away again. I remember when I did that, my friendship to those certain people has vanished to thin air. I lose people and gain more. I don't forget anyone because they have given me memories to remember by. I still feel that I'm not as good as what people say about me. I appreciate their encouragement and support. It's just the fact that I don't have enough assurance to myself knocks me over. Instead of dealing with what' present, I dream for the impossible. Yes, I still dream for what I want even if I may not get the chance to reach to that point. I don't know what I want anymore. I'm starting to tear up slowly. I don't know how to put every single feeling I'm having to this blog. I feel confused, hurt, lost, upset, pathetic, foolish, and hopeless. It's a surprise that for one single moment can easily bring my self-esteem down. Call me stupid, I don't care. I've been called that one too many times. I'm used to the criticism, at least just certain ones. Sometimes I take things right up the ass depending on what. I'm usually a cheerful individual these days. I'm not really good at giving myself enough confidence as much as I used to. The more I grow, the more I understand myself. It's just...I'm used to look at things negatively. It seems that I may be complicated to comprehend. Not everyone can break that wall between us. No matter how content or how grateful I am for living, I still feel somewhat empty at times. I don't want to go on like this anymore. I need change. I need assurance. I need to be the person I want to be. I just want to live life better...