Locked Up

Don't you hate it when you want to tell someone what's really wrong, but you can't even say a word from your mouth? It's difficult to say when so many emotions are running in you. It frustrates you and you're torn in between. Maybe because you're afraid you would let out too much and let it eat you deep inside. It's like being held in captive and have no urge to be released. You have this heavy feeling on you shoulders and it's so hard to shake it off.

As much as I'd like to say every single thing coming from my mind, something prevents me from doing it. I've been feeling so aggravated since this feeling has occurred. It's never a good thing to bottle up your emotions, but I feel that maybe sometimes you can't always tell people what's bothering you just so you won't have them to worry about you. I don't blame them for telling me what's best for my sake, since it shows how caring they are. I just don't want them to worry too much about me whether if I'm exhausted or going through something. I haven't taken myself so seriously when it comes to giving myself some time to recuperate.

I'm having a hard time figuring things out and being sleep deprived is adding up to my stress. If I really need time for myself, then I need it. I can't sleep it off and expect to wake up with a good feeling. It just doesn't work that way. Although thinking about it as I stay up late at night isn't good either. So I'm going to take initiative by sorting what's best for me. Might take a while to know what can I do to regain what I lost. Then maybe this can stop and I can get back to where I was.

"My troubles have put me in a dark place where it overshadows my happiness. The one thing I owned, and I cannot let it take over. Being held in captivity, I try to break free from these chains by spreading my wings as wider as I can. Run to a nearby cliff, jump off and fly up the horizon with a smile that brightens up the world. I fight for what is rightfully mine. I will not lose to this. I just cannot do so. No one can take away what gives me strength and the will to continue."

Few Things...

So I somehow have the urge to make a blog at nearly 2 a.m. on a Saturday morning. I know, it's pretty late. I've been up way past 2 anyway. I don't know where to start, but I'll give it a try [damn writer's block].

I'm going to let some things out in random order. So forgive me if I'm going off topic.

I was looking over my baby photos and each page had different memories. All of them gave me a warm feeling in my heart. Just looking at them brings me happiness and it tears me up. Although I hold it in, I know deep down I'm partially upset because I miss them. These memories are what brings me strength and a sense of hope. I don't dwell into these memories as I used to, but encountering them every now and then is okay. Just a reminder that these memories made me who I am today. And I'm glad I got to share those memories with my family and my deceased loved ones.

Looking back into my mistakes, I know how much I've hurt others and neglected them when I shouldn't have. I was naive and ignorant, but as I've told myself before, no one is perfect. We're meant to make mistakes anyway and it's natural. We've exchanged words that we didn't mean or hold grudges that was too ridiculous. I used to be one of those people who would hold a long time grudge, maybe up to a year or two. Then I realized, is it really that worth it? This is some childish game that should have ended way long before. At this point, I don't have any animosity towards anyone, and never will. I really don't care if anyone has something against me. It's not like I need them to be in my life. I've gotten out of the drama zone because all I can think of is the amount of hatred people have over something small or something that isn't even worth fighting about. It's not a place to put yourself into.

I've learned to let go of the past and focus on what's ahead. I've learned things the harder way and I'm still learning more of what life is offering. I can't say I have the full knowledge to everything because I still have a long way to go. Even if I seem to not care what my surroundings are or what I must do to get to where I am, I still care. This is MY life and it's my most important one yet. I feel like each day is a new life lesson and something to think about. Because of the advice I've been given from others from the past, it has helped me open my eyes a bit more to the beautiful side of life. I should be appreciative of what I have than to worry of what I wish I could have. I don't mind because I can't have everything I desired for. I know I've taken things for granted and I regret, but hey...it's a common mistake. I'm near at the point where I get to decide what is it in life that I want to be and how to get there. It's a scary feeling to know that I'll be on my own, even if I'll be going through independence and freedom. But it's not going to be an easy path. Thinking about what's ahead may be too early, but it's a great start to get things done so it would be a little easier on my end. What college I want to attend and where are the only things that have crossed my mind. I know later on I'll eventually find out, but it'll take me some deep thinking to know what my answer is.

I just hope it works well...

Judgement Day [or not]

I'm going to get my progress report tomorrow, which means...my mother will determine my fate. Okay not really, but I will expect alot of lecturing and yelling from her. So my grades are okay, except AP stats. Majority of the class and I are failing, and I literally mean by failing. Quite a few are passing, but we're just going to step it up for the upcoming weeks. I'm going to suck it up and deal with my mom's bitching and hopefully I can still use the internet. I know I have to cut down my usage of the laptop on weekdays now. It's been quite a distraction [and it's not because of my youstreamskype peeps]. It's basically my fault. I just have to set myself straight in the mean time. If I don't go online often, at least you know why.

I'll still blog when I can. It's not the end of the world, so yeah. I just can't mess this semester up nor the rest of my senior year. Even if it's early, I can't risk of messing this up at all. Aside from this, I've had plenty of college talks, especially today. I'm currently into college mode and starting to brainstorm on where I'm going and what I'll major. Wish me luck along with whoever is going through the same thing. I'm a week away from the starting date of college applications. I guess we'll see what happens.

So until then, you may call me [that is if you have my number] just to see how things are. I'll try getting back at you guys when I can. I'll most likely go on weekends though, so never fear. Skype chats will go on :D

I shall blog on what's been going on when I'm not busy. I got to study for two quizzes this friday. Ew.

I love you all<3 Have a great one.

Oh, What A Day

So today I had about 5 hours of sleep. As I woke up around 5 a.m., I find my dad sleeping next to me. It was strange because it was out of nowhere and he was snoring like a grizzly bear. I tried waking him up telling him to stop snoring, but he was dead asleep. So then I realized I had no pillows. HE TOOK ALL OF THEM D: Meanie...then my mom comes in and had this WTF look. "Hoy, why are you in Abby's room?!" is what she said. Then my dad goes, "wait, why am I here?!"

...it turns out my dad was sleep walking and didn't realize. Great -.- That's a first timer. I think he was drunk from last night's chit-chat with his friend who just arrived from Alaska. So he's leaving tonight for the Philippines. I only talked to him for 2 minutes and walked away because I had to complete my Econ project.

My uncle comes in and goes "Gail, looks like you got skinner." Then I said "really? feels like I gained 10 pounds over the past two days." Suddenly the awkwardness comes in, and I walked away with a weird expression. It was just random.

So today I presented my Econ project and it turned out alright. It's also due tomorrow since my Econ teacher was kind enough to extend one more day. People volunteered [including myself] to present theirs so they can avoid tomorrow. Oh yeah, we get out early tomorrow and Friday. Now imagine how packed it's going to be during our period for those who did not present. It's going to be hectic.

My English teacher spoke to us regarding our 'Race and Gender' essays which were due about two weeks ago. He went on and on for the whole period talking about our essay structure and the common mistakes most students received. I got a B on mechanics and an A- for content. I am so relieved! Thanks to those who gave me some feedback and tips for my essay. You seriously rock! I believe my overall grade for this class will most likely be an A due to the progress I've been making.

"El carro es muy caro" - HAHAH sorry that was just funny when I wrote that during Spanish.

Okay moving on. My grades thus far are alright, except Statistics. I haven't turned in the homework that was due today. A day late equals a point deducted. I might complete it by wednesday or just get it from a friend tomorrow. Geez, I'm such a lazy bum that I blame Jeff for it! HAHA.

I feel like this day has gone by so slow. Seems as though I spent 24 hours in school rather than 8. I guess it's because it's Monday and that's how it usually is every week. :/ I really hate Mondays. I hope this week will go fast so I can relax during the weekend again. Oh the joyful feeling.

Leo once again tells me to date his 12 year old cousin. That sucker's going to get a taste of my wrath if he constantly repeats it again. He tried convincing his girlfriend that by the time I'm 28 and his cousin as a 22 year old, it'll consider to be okay. Newsflash, it's NEVER going to happen. People still find it weird, including his girlfriend. Nice try Leo...not going to work this time.

Jeff enjoys blackmailing me on Skype. Maybe I should take revenge..wait I did with those BlogTV screen shots. TEEHEE<3

Reminiscing

Just when I was finally getting through this week, something pulls me back. I dived into the pool of memories and I must say, twas interesting.

I can think back as far as when I was 5 years old. I had my first family reunion with my dad's side of the family. It was held in the Philippines where too many of our relatives attended. Some from the states, Ireland, parts of the Philippines, etc. It was a very memorable event. Everyone wore the same family shirt, but different color regarding what group you belong in. For instance, I wore red which stand for being one of the grandchildren. The aunts and uncles would wear the same color, but the spouses would wear a different one. So basically we were very colorful. There was plenty of food for all of us as well as the amount of games we played. Our reunion comes in every 5 years. I know that it's long, which is why the family has decided to cut it down by a year or two.

Another memory I know by heart was that one year where I celebrated Christmas with the rest of my family in Burbank, CA. We had to wear something formal and I wasn't so jolly on that day. Abby not jolly? Oh no. My older cousins used to poke fun at me and I would literally be pissed. I think I was the one cousin who was a bit defiant at the time while everyone else didn't do anything. So as they were bothering me, I couldn't take it not one bit. I saw my old photos of that night and I look really evil. I mean literally evil because the red eye was featured in these photos. Kind of like a devilish child. I was angry as heck and my parents would force me to smile no matter what. I laughed as I encountered the photos later on. It was that funny and no I won't show it to you guys. I'll save the humiliation for another time.

During the 1995 New Years, we had a huge blowout. Everyone was in a good mood and wore these 'Happy New Year' hats. I had the blue one while my cousin Lily wore red. I have a picture of it somewhere. As the fun continued, some of us decided to make fireworks outside of the house. Once we did that, the cops suddenly showed up. We were freaking out thinking that we might get arrested or something. Luckily, the cops didn't do anything and left, but they did check on the fireworks that laid on the streets on that night. Overall, twas a good new year party. I think I wanted to try some of that champagne too.


Yep, that's me on the right. I know the photo isn't that clear. But yeah, I want that New Year's hat again.

I'm not going to mention all of the memories because that would just take forever to include in this blog. So I'll go forward with the times that were NOT so jolly after all.

Everyone has gone through a point in their life where they lost someone close to them. I lost a little more than a few. My first experience with losing a loved one was when I was quite young. This person used to go by "uncle George" so that's what I used to refer him as. I remember one day I would visit him at the hospital in the Philippines. I would see him wearing a huge diaper [and I forgot why]. It was strange, yet I didn't really say much because I had no idea what was happening. When I found out that he passed away, it was a feeling I can't even describe. As years go by, I lost relatives one by one. I even lost my closest grandfather in 2003. That day was too devastating to handle. I only got to see him for 5 days once I arrived in the Philippines. I knew that he was sick, but I didn't think he would die so soon. Some of our relatives had to fly down for the funeral. On the day of the funeral, it was a little bit funny. I was holding a candle as we surrounded my grandfather's coffin during mass. I leaned the candle over to my cousin and wasn't being careful at the time. When I looked over, part of her hair was caught on fire. I didn't know what to do and my ateh's [meaning older cousin/sister in Filipino for those who don't know] noticed. They were giggling as I tried to take out the white stuff that was stuck on her hair. She turned around and asked what was happening. I pretended saying that something was stuck in her hair. I don't think she knows about it to this day. But enough of that, the funeral saddened me. Even to this day, I still miss my grandfather.

I know that the past year has been rough with the family. I'm not going to get into detail, but everything has changed. In fact, that's how life is. Everything changes overtime and nothing stays the same. Change is indeed inevitable. I just wish that it wouldn't turn out the way it is today. There isn't enough family bonding as it used to and I feel that we're just drifting further and further away from each other. Maybe it's just me, but I can feel it. This is the change I've gotten used to ever since that particular incident which changed majority of everything in all of us. At first, I was in shock of what went on because I didn't think it would happen. Then again, we expect the unexpected. I'm partially upset although I can't really do anything about it. All I can do for the time being is hope for the best.

I'll edit this part as soon as I get home. But in the mean time, look at this photo.

This was at the REACH beach cleanup around April of this year. I didn't know this photo was posted until I looked around the files in my journalist computer. The caption said "single girl shot". Ha you can't see my face :P & to those who litter, shame on you. Clean up after yourself you fiends.

Too Many Jayther's, Murdoc's and Abby's

The title itself has nothing to do with what I'm going to talk about. It was a random thought that should be displayed as humor. I hope Jayther and Chris are pleased and I bet they're probably smiling by now :] They know what I'm talking about when it comes to my title.

I'm currently in my Journalism class and everyone is taking the first quiz. I was excused from taking this quiz because I took it last semester. Same question and format. I'm using my valuable time to blog. teehee.

My day is usual as always. First period is suppose to be my chill period. Apparently, my teacher gives me a load of errands to do. I think that period is my workout time because I walk from the 3rd to the 1st floor just to drop off/pick up papers from the office and such. My thighs were burning as I struggled to walk to the 3rd floor. Dang, I seem to lose my breath after a while. Maybe I just haven't been working out for the longest [and I feel like a huge fatty for saying that].

I have a quiz on AP stats this Friday along with the book one test of 'The Odyssey', which is a boring book. I aced my test on matching characters :D Yippie! I just have to stop being a lazy bum [like a certain someone I know] so I can get my work done on time. I haven't done anything for two days although I have work due either this week or next week. Oh and grades are due next Monday. WHAT THE HELL?! I've been in school since the 2nd and it hasn't even been the 4th week yet. Geez, my school's literally dense. Most schools have their grades due in 6 weeks while we have it two weeks earlier. I feel like it's been two weeks since school started. This is why I sometimes dislike the fact that time goes quick.

The feeling of rushing myself into getting things done is rising. I have to complete the first two weeks of work for Spanish 3. Then study for my AP stats quiz, finish the budget project for Econ, and whatever is there. I should have an agenda book and organize my way of getting around this problem.

In half an hour, I'm going to meet up with Anna to eat out before heading to the YDAPP meeting. I won't be home until 7 p.m. What a bummer! I'm going to be a wreck by the time I come home. This meeting's going to be held at the main KYCC center. It's much closer unlike the building where we went last time. I just hope I won't go through the bus situation again like two weeks ago. Now that I've said that, I might have jinxed myself. *shot*

I'm thinking of downloading Sony Vegas tonight. According to Florisse, it's a complicated process. I know I won't download it from my laptop because it's as slow as a poor turtle. Whenever I think of a turtle, I think of a name 'Murdy'. LOL oh I miss those shows with the Tortoise and the Hare. Tortoise ftw!

My friend Leo has been bugging me to date his cousin Mikey, who's like twelve years old. I'm sure as hell not considering that. Seriously, Leo's never going to stop taunting me about it. He even calls me short when I'm 3 inches shorter than him. At least I'm not as short as our friend Pamela, who's about 4'6. Recently, we made fun of her height after school and as usual, she threatens us. It's funny actually because even if she jokes about her threats, she manages to make a scene and make her look like a fool. One friend burned her when he said she's as short as a toddler after trying to ridicule him yesterday. All of us were bursting into laughter. I know I feel like a meanie, but she still loves us...or at least I think she does. Heh.

Hey Jeff, I had cup noodles for lunch. Jealous much? It was shrimp flavor too :]

It Starts to Sink In

Have you had a feeling where you feel that you've accomplished so much, yet you feel you haven't accomplished enough? Yeah, that's how I feel right now.

It's not even half of my senior year and I'm starting to worry. I find out my GPA is on the border line of the 3.0 mark. Honestly, I'm just pissed off. Some of my friends said they would be so happy with that GPA, and I know I should be too. It's like, I wasted about 3 years of opportunities to raise it up to the GPA I've desired. Then, I come to find the exact calculation at this point. I'm starting to regret on the times where my grades were decent. At least I passed, but I wanted to make it up rather than procrastinating so much and think it's okay to leave it how it is.

This is like a moment every Asian kid go through at a regular basis. I on the other hand go through this twice in a few months because I don't seem to indulge myself into hardcore studying like they do. In the end, I manage to get the grades I want and sometimes grades I wish I didn't get. All I do is the usual routine. How tiring is that? I don't go out as often as I used to because school has returned. Hitting the books it the one option I have left to get the roman silver [which is from 3.0-3.5]. Now I'm going into the whole 'what if I could've done this?' phase.

College applications are less than a month away. Some have started with their college applications. I should've planned this months before so it would be easier on my end. Why didn't I push myself enough to the limit where I'm at least satisfied? Oh well...I've come this far and have not given up. It's really on now.

Aside from that, I found out my best friend of 3 years just got 'engaged'. I don't know if it's official right now. I just know it happened 3 days ago and she didn't bother telling me about that or anything going on. We haven't talked in so long. I called her on friday before I left for camp. Obviously, no answer so I gave up calling after 3 times. I miss her. I'm sure she's doing swell. I might go to Oxnard this weekend to visit. I don't feel like going, which is a shocker. As much as I'd like to visit her, it's a bit awkward. I don't know what else to talk to her about other than the usual. I guess things have slightly changed.

Knowing that she and her boyfriend are truly in love after nearly two years, I'm sitting here and wonder how a love like that can be strong despite of their distance. He moved during summer to Arizona and she's already used to how it's been. I remember how she used to come to me for anything that had to do with him. I would be furious depending on the situation and sometimes wish that they would end their relationship. I didn't like her boyfriend at first because of his immaturity. Who am I kidding...he's a year younger than her. It was bound to happen, but overtime he managed to change. I slowly starting accepting him, yet not completely. I still think he's annoying and needy at times. What can I say, he's in love with my best friend, so let it be. She and I had talks about my opinion towards him. She wishes that I would try to get to know him better, which I did. I'm not up for the closure though. Even if I have his cell phone number, I'd rather delete it. It's not like I'll talk to him every day like my best friend does.

One thing that I'll admit I'm jealous about is their chemistry. Almost two years of being together is a bit of a lifetime for me. Okay not really, but it seems like forever. I haven't hold that relationship so long. My relationships pretty much failed, but I don't care. It was out of experience. The question is...when am I going to have that kind of love my best friend has with her boyfriend? Time will only tell. She and I had talks about our future. I wanted to have someone who can accept me for who I am and grow a life together. AHAH that sounds cheesy, I know. In all seriousness, I really do. I mean, who doesn't? Here I am being single for almost a year and I still haven't found that guy. I'm young and I understand I have a whole life to find that person. It's just, I sometimes wish I can find him at this point or the other way around. I don't know, I'm talking all foolish here. It takes a matter of time to wait for that to happen. Maybe I just feel somewhat lonely...what a noob. I can be happier being on my own. Independence is key. But every night, I lie down, look at the ceiling and have flashbacks of how I was with someone. The feeling if having butterflies in your stomach, endless smile from your face and the amount of joy you have with that person. I really do miss that.

Everyday, I wake up and realize I have a while to figure it out. Finding out who can possess the one thing that I rarely give. I've given that thing to people whom I love and adore. Just not that person yet. We all want a love with flaws, yet a blissful kind of love. The kind that's worth to fight for and share that experience with someone. Yeah, I'm such a poop talking about this. Haha, I'm probably over my head, but it's true. Things like this aren't always the topic to talk about regularly. I guess it's that time to let it out again because it's what I've thought of all day.

I think that's about it, unless I'd like to change things which I won't for now.

Camping Trip to Lake Perris

Oh my, this trip was 100% fun fun fun! I didn't expect that it would turn out so great. I truly enjoyed every moment of it. So where do I start...

Well on Friday, I went to KYCC to meet up with everyone. Jeff and I were on the phone most of the time since I promised him I'd call before I left. After that, I had some dinner from this Mexican Grill called Rodeo's, which was pretty darn good. I had beef, rice, nachos, and whatever was available. Then the bus finally came, so everyone got their belongings and went on board.

The trip to Lake Perris took two hours due to some traffic. Lake Perris is located in Riverside btw. I slept for half an hour and woke up with people talking incredibly loud. It was like Heavy Metal going through my ears. HAH! But the trip was alright. We got there around 9 p.m. and unpacked. Most of the girls slept in the big tent which had a space for about 12 girls and 4 from my YDAPP group took the small tent for their own privacy. Two of the staff members slept with us [who are obviously female], while the guys had the other huge tent. It was so uncomfortable sleeping during that night because the ground was ridiculously hard and I had back pains. I woke up about 5 times and kept changing positions. It was that horrible and I didn't bring a sleeping bag. Stupid me, right? Same thing for the next day, which was worse because up to this point, everything is sore -_-

As soon as morning came, everyone washed up, had breakfast and waited for the activities for the day. All of us walked to the lake and had team building activities which included the one with hugs. Basically, someone in charge would call out a number, for example 6. So everyone had to be in a group of 6 and if anyone were singled out, they were automatically out. It was a fun game, though my group and I were the first to be out. Lame! Then, we were split into our programs: YDAPP and KYCC. For YDAPP, we had to do the memory game and that magic carpet game. I think the magic carpet game took forever than the memory game because we had such a difficult time trying to turn our carpet around without messing up. My group consisted of 11 people, so imagine yourself with 11 people trying to turn the carpet around with small space. We eventually got it done though. The other group [KYCC] took a bit longer than us because one of the staff members decided to give up a bigger space knowing how we were suffering. LOL!

I'm going to go fast forward to the YDAPP vs. KYCC game. We had a relay race and a game trivia. YDAPP dominated in both! Oh yeah, we're that good but we would have lost the relay race though. Luckily, we managed to make it to the end. Oh yeah, we even played the 'Amoeba Tag' game were two people would be the ones catching everyone and make them part of their team, but they had to hold hands the entire time which was funny. After that, we were given alot of free time and some of the girls and I went to the lake for some fresh air. The water temperature was perfect. I should've brought something to swim though. The weather was incredible actually. I can't get over it. Some of the staff took pictures of all of us as we were working on our activities. Most of them were hilarious.

We headed back to the camp site and chilled for dinner. We had spaghetti, sandwiches, and whatever was available. Oh yeah! During lunch, Ernie, Reuben and I headed to the store to buy more ice and ice cream, which took nearly an hour. We stopped by Mcdonald's for a snack because we were already craving for food. No one knows about that one, so SHH. AHAHAHA! So most of us took pictures while socializing and did an activity on trusting one another while using blindfolds. We were in a single file line and trusted the person who was in front of you. So we walked for a while and had to communicate with each other on what's in our surroundings. People were yelling and were not following along. Some of us broke the chain and others had to come back to get those who who isolated. Reuben was behind me and damn it...he had sweaty palms. My shoulders were covered with his sweaty palms and it gross me out -__- One of our YDAPP team members lost his glasses and I think he eventually found it. It was scary as we were going with the activity because someone touched my leg as I was walking AND I knew who it was. HAHAH! After all the fun and what not, we called it a night. The girls from my tent were gossiping and talked about what went on during the day. I love these girls. They are so adorable and we have alot in common :] I'm happy that I'll be working with them in YDAPP for the next 10 months. They also watch asian dramas like ME! :D

The next morning, everyone woke up feeling sore. I have both back and side pains ]: I'M BRINGING A SLEEPING BAG FOR NOW ON! Everyone had to hurry up with their packing, eating, cleaned, and did one last activity before we headed back to LA. We had a self evaluation and a team building exercise. It turned out fun, though we didn't finish one of the activities because the bus came. THANK GAWD. It took more than an hour to come back and I texted Florisse and Chris. I had 5 text messages from Jeff which totally made my day <3

Can't Sleep, So Here I Am.

A few things I'd like to say about before I head to bed and prepare myself for two tests today.
Not a few things...more like 10. So this is not in any specific order.

1. I am somewhat sleep deprived and that's really not a good sign. I miss those days where I used to sleep so peacefully and not having a hard time to do so.

2. I haven't been eating as properly as I thought. It's not that I'm going on a diet or anything. Ever since school started, I knew that I wouldn't consume much simply because it's an on going habit that I know I should eventually stop. I was thinking of fasting, but I was advised no to take the idea.

3. I'm not liking Physics, not one bit and yet I'm challenging myself. I wonder how long this will take :/ God help me. I know I haven't worshiped in so long.

4. My stress level slowly elevates. It wasn't going to be easy so I knew it was coming. Also, I don't seem to go to mass at all. The only days I would go is either at the October fiesta or when there's really a huge gathering or even a funeral. I'm slowly fading from being a Catholic :/ I know I have not devoted myself to God as much as my mother does. I see her watching the Religion channel and I'm surfing the web and can hear the Priest speaking to the audience. The thought of not paying attention to God nor participating in these family gatherings has brought myself guilt.

5. I miss my best friend and I realized I haven't called her. I'm not planning to do so because I know how she's swamped with so many things going on. I might call her before I leave town this weekend.

6. Speaking of which, I'm going camping with YDAPP/KYCC members this weekend. I tried getting out of it, but freakin` Ernie got to me at the last minute with the guilt. So it looks like I'll be gone until sunday. I'll miss you guys.

7. My relationship with my parents should at least be better by now. I know it feels as though it's been the same since I can recall. I don't want to go on and get easily tempered by them. As much as I love my parents, they really are a pain at times.

8. I need to join extracurricular activities to keep myself occupied and make sure I'm on the right track. I have to stop procrastinating like a betch.

9. My current GPA isn't good at the moment and this is my last semester to raise it up. I mean, it's not horrible, yet I haven't reached to the GPA I've hoped for. So I hope I'll be able to perform academically well during this semester.

10. I really want to talk to Jeff right now, but since he has homework to do, I'd rather not intrude. Even if he says I can always talk to him, I feel as though there's a limit to it. I don't want to be a bother anyway. Funny and weird to say, but I'm going to miss talking to him this weekend. Sounds like I'm making this seem like it'll last for a while. I truly enjoy our all nighter talks <3 It always makes me smile each time. I'm going to miss that for the next 2-3 days. Oh well...there's always the next weekend. And now I'm such a poopy.

That's about it for now.

...And today marks the 7th anniversary since the 9/11 attack. It's really been such a long time. I'd like to say rest in peace to all those who lost their lives and those who fought for our country.

Scream Your Heart Out

It's week two and I have about 14 weeks left of this semester. Seems long, right? I KNOW.
I've been feeling so tired more than the usual. I sleep either at 10:30 or 11 and wake up at 5 am. Then I go back to sleep until 6:15. It's just weird to me. Ehh...

It was my first time today that I was caught putting my head down during English. I didn't know that was a rule, so Mr. Ogden warned me. As he was talking about the 'Seafarer', I sat there trying to stay focused, but I constantly yawned. I really need a lot of rest.

Seems as though I've been feeling gloomy, pissed, confused. I really don't know what's up. Maybe it's the amount of stress I've been having from school. That physics quiz was a fail and I can sense it. I tried my best and that's all it matters for now. Waiting for school to end gave me a glorious feeling so I can rest up and do what I need to do for tonight. I come home and hear my mom yell over some crap and just listening to her gives me a feeling of rage because she won't shut up. She would repeat the same issue if someone were to ask her why she's so tensed. Then it goes back to the beginning again. I really can't take this shit anymore. Just having someone yell and yell and yell majority of my time gives me a massive headache. I can't even yell what my heart feels right now.

I wish I can open up to someone in this house. Apparently, that would be no one. They either don't understand what's going on with me or they just think I'm being silly. It's not a joke when I'm upset. I try covering it up by going on the internet and go about my business. Sometimes, my mom notices my behavior that has to do with how I feel. One day, I had this irritating look and she automatically asked me what was wrong. Of course, I would deny and say it's nothing. Then she comes and tries to get it out of me. Newsflash, maybe because I DON'T feel comfortable speaking to her about my personal issues. I can't even do the same with my dad. They know nothing about anything going on with me. I haven't even called my best friend either and it's been two weeks. It's so hard to vent these days because I'm afraid that I'm going to annoy someone once I let everything out.

If only there are people who can try to understand how I feel, how I see things and all. Bottling things up are not going to help me get through a day. I would burst into tears, but I've done so one too many times. I can't wait to get out soon.

My heart's desperate to scream. I can't fucking take it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I hear the sound of freedom running through my ears. I run up and find a land known as the fall of grace. It was a fantasy, I tell you. People have cried and yearned for a beautiful tomorrow while some stumble upon their past. It’s like the sea washing you away from the shore and fight for your safe return, that is if you want to go back. Many want to die because there was no point of a future when everything failed. Others are in need to search for redemption. Everything turned to ruins, yet a new era is born like a flower blossoming. Is it a sign or an illusion? Is this the answer to our prayers?"

Porkchops.

Ugh, weekend is over and now it's Monday. I have a physics quiz tomorrow regarding the math section we learned last week and part of today. I got to get off from the internet at least an hour and a half earlier so I can prepare myself. This is torture. At least I don't have to stress over Ogden's essay. I found out people still haven't completed theirs nor did they started on it. Whew, thank goodness some people helped me out. You know who you are. Thanks!

It was my first time today that I fell asleep during class. Luckily, my Economics teacher didn't have a say to it. I was so tired and woke way too early. I realize, I enjoy talking to my Econ teacher a lot more now. He's like a father to me and we have interesting conversations either during lunch or after school. I stop by for Anime club and see what's up. I think I communicate with him better than my dad. He's either tired or just watching ESPN while talking loudly on the phone. I should bond with my dad often.

Let me do a quick recap of my classes.

Service - Did some errands for Ms. Perez and sat for the remainder of the period while sophomores were working on their AVID tutorial worksheets.

AP Statistics - Had this little activity to see whose scatter plot was real or fake. It was quite interesting. Everyone thought mines was fake, which was true. Damn it. I should have made it more realistic. Jennifer sits next to me now that some of her friends didn't show up because they attended the Tyra Banks Show from their all-girl program and the teacher needed to make seating charts. YAY buddies.

Economics - Discussion and sort of fell asleep during that period :/

Lunch - Hung out with Melissa and Anna. While they were laughing over something they talked about, I stood there with a serious face (only because I was really tired and I needed something to eat). I went to buy a granola bar and cheez-it [sp?]. At least it was a light snack.

Expo. Comp. - Small discussion regarding the 'Seafarer' and a test on figurative language/literary devices. How lovely.

Physics - Classwork #2 and a quiz tomorrow. I need to study ]: I don't want to risk failing and I might drop this class as I mentioned from my last blog. UGHH I have this week to decide.

Journalism - Reviewed some interviewing questions and did a small activity. There is this project that involves myself and a female student from an all-girl private school to switch places and see how one school is like as the other does the same. I accepted this offer and have by Wednesday in case if I decide to decline. Mr. Compton, who is in charge of this project gave me a letter from the student, whose name is Sally Heim. I'll be looking forward to this once it happens. I feel nervous though. I have to write my experience for my newspaper afterward.

Now I'm home and I smell porkchops. Yummy.

First Depressing Sunday

I've been waiting for this weekend since ever and now that it's ending, I must say...I did something productive for once. HAH well I mean starting my homework a bit earlier than expected. I still haven't started on my AP Stats homework. Melissa won't be coming over due to her illness. Hopefully, we'll get started tomorrow.

For the past two days, I've been staying up pretty late. The latest has been around 5 a.m. I blame Jeff for that. HAH kidding. He and I had a very interesting conversation, talking about relationships and such. I was wide awake too, which is strange because usually I just fall asleep quickly. He's definitely someone I can always confide with. WEEE! <3

Lately, I've been working on my essay for Ogden and I'm nearly done. I wonder if everyone from class started or finished. I know people have complained since it's the first week and all. I enjoy writing essays depending on the topic itself. If the topic does not interest me, then I'm going to be stuck with boredom as I try brainstorming, knowing that I'm probably going to procrastinate. Please guys, procrastinating is a huge NO-NO. I'm trying to break free from this disease :x

I wish weekends are longer. I need one more day to relax at least. Bleh, two days aren't enough. Imagine if Monday counts as a weekend, that would be thrilling. If there was a holiday, then it may be 4 days. I wish it would work that way though. Kind of feels like I got out of school just yesterday too. How weird. Oh how I do miss summer even if it wasn't all that great. I have to wait until December to get off track for two months. Which reminds me, I need to make up some classes for a higher grade. BLAH. My mom thinks I'm always failing all the time. You know how parents compare you to their friend's kids or even your own cousins/siblings to see who achieved best? Yeah, she's one of those parents. I mean who hasn't done that? I've been compared to multiple times, and I don't really care. It puts me in an awkward moment because as I'm listening to my mom blabber about how my performance in school is in general, I really don't have a say to it. I know parents do so just to make you work harder than you ever have, but that doesn't mean they can put their kids down with their mistakes. It's agitating to me.

I had a very strange dream where I find out that I'm pregnant. I was wondering who the father would be, but he wasn't around. Then a scene from that show Gilmore Girls came to place and I felt excited that I met Alexis Bledel for the first day. I forgot what else happened, but I remember experiencing contractions in my stomach. Weird...Now I'm thinking twice on having kids in the future just because of it. LOL. Why can't men go through our pain too? They should experience on what it's like to be in our shoes than to ridicule how us girls go through periods, pregnancy, menopause, PMSing. So if we go through periods, then men go through commas? HAHAH no...okay that wasn't funny. -_- [shut up] :P

My cousin and I had a discussion regarding Politics. I'm no fan of that subject. I can talk about anything, except the election. It's probably going to turn ugly to me when it comes down to a simple debate over who should win of this year's presidential election. To those who enjoy talking about this or anything that relates to Politics, might as well be a politican. My friend Hector used to lecture me about America with the gas prices, global warming, recession and etc. His lectures would be 20 minutes without interrupting him. HAH but all of it has made me think. I can use a lecture like that again and perhaps right now for my essay. I think that's about it for today. I'll probably talk to Jeff again and poke fun as usual. Teehee.

Edit: I made a poem out of boredom to keep my mind running from going through writer's block. By the way, don't laugh. I haven't wrote poems for the longest. Boo...

They say love is beautiful, yet it's pain
I've never experienced it, nor has it made my heart drain
I stand on my own two feet without someone to love
I lay on my rooftop and daze at the stars above
A shooting star came by, could it be?
So I wished upon it, saying "I wish someone would love me"
"Love me for who I am and not what you want me to become"
Oh how I yearn for that person, I hope he'll one day come
Fairy tale stories are anyone's favorite,
but we know that reality is the opposite
Everyone deserves someone, but the question is when?
I look at the time, the clock strikes at ten
Time moves very slow, we're tempted to know what's ahead
Patience is a virtue, so I'd rather wait instead
The one fear I can't stand for now is the fear of being alone
Have my heart stop beating, turn it into stone
I wouldn't know what to do if that were to occur
Everything would be unseen, or maybe a blur
Can someone keep my heart beating
And maybe stay this time without leaving?

What a DRAG.

For the first time in months, I am thankful that it's FRIDAY. I've been waiting for this since tuesday. I get to rest and sadly, do some homework. HALLELUJAH HOLLABACK!

It's only the 4th day of school and I'm somewhat swamped with work. I have an essay for my new english teacher Mr. Ogden due next Tuesday on how race and gender has affected the 2008 presidential election. I'm on my 2nd paragraph and finishing this sometime tonight. I don't want to deal with it while I'm working on my AP Statistics homework. My friend Melissa might come over on Sunday to work on it with me. It's due in a week though, which is good. I have plenty of time to get started.

As of Physics, I'm already annoyed by converting from this to that. I remember some of the problems from before, but I was dazed out most of the time. I'm thinking of dropping this class for another elective. Thing is, I don't know if there are any electives available. BLEH. The only solution I can do to get through anything involving mathematics is enjoying it. No matter how much I despise math, I gotta love it at some point.

I'm so glad my Small Learning Community gets to pick a locker first next week. I am seriously in need to get one after carrying about 3 books a day. My left shoulder's been sore since Wednesday. I haven't turned in my Math Analysis book nor did I check out after I dropped that period. I'm too lazy to do so, LOL.

The other day, I was at my YDAPP internship and came half an hour late. I blame it on the rush hour traffic and how full the buses were. UGH, Anna and I waited after 7 full buses stopped by. One bus stopped at where we were and we thought the driver would let us in. Turns out as soon as he stopped, he left. WTF?! I bet people were looking at us as if we were pathetic. Some guy from a random car came and whistled at me. I find it creepy actually. So at the meeting, we did a presentation on the event we'll be working on during the year. We chose the 3-on-3 basketball tournament. It's still in progress as of now, so wish my group and I some luck. Everyone has chosen a different event and a location.

Also the other day, I was making noodles and the cover was somehow caught on fire. I was freaking out and my dad rushed to blow it off. My mom was pissed at me for that small incident and was even more pissed when I was still on the computer at 10 p.m. My parents have officially said I have to get off at that time and straight to bed. LAME, I know. My mom confronted me with a scary look after I shut the door so hard. As usual, she was bitching at me and I stood there having every word go through one ear to another. That day was somewhat the start of another stressful day. So I was texting my new buddy Jeff and he was comforting me the whole time. Thanks to him, I fell asleep with a smile...really I did. Since then, he and I have been talking. I always poke fun at him with my sarcasm. Haha I hart him.

I don't think there's anything going on this weekend other than homework. There might be another prayer gathering. I'll most likely stay home alone while my parents attend. I reall need to attend Church often, but again...I'm just lazy :/ Stupid me.

Senior photos is set on the 20th. I just got an envelop from my homeroom/Econ teacher. My time is at 9:20 a.m. I want to switch times so I have a little more time to get ready. Hmm...Let's hope I won't look so horrible on my photos. *Knocks on wood*

And now I'm heading to Chinatown for dinner with the parents. I hope you all have a great weekend :]

First Day of Senior Year

. . . Kind of didn't go what I expected, but it felt like the usual I guess. I saw everyone again and some were surprised with my new haircut. Now let me start from the beginning.

So I was on the phone with Florisse until 2 am since she and I couldn't sleep at all. We only slept for about 3 hours. I woke up sometime around 5:30 am and slept in for 25 minutes. After that, I went to shower, eat cereal and wore the clothes I picked out for today. I left the house around 7:25 and walked to school for a good 5 minutes (good thing I live near or else I'd be lagging like crazy).

I arrived around 7:35 and walked towards homeroom. My former Government teacher Mr. Moy is my senior homeroom teacher for the rest of the year which is awesome because he's one of my favorite teachers from LAHS. He gave out our class schedule as he was giving information regarding our senior year and what to expect. I finally saw Melissa after 2 months of no communication due to her trip to Mexico. She said she called me last week, but I guess I was sleeping at the time and no one told me about it. It was good catching up with her about things.

Here's my current schedule in order which will probably change by tomorrow:

1. Service (TA) - Perez
2. AP Computer Science - Piedrahita
3. AP English Literature - McClure
4. Math Analysis - Krichevskiy
5. Physics - Carbonera
6. Economics - Moy

I'm planning to drop out of Math Analysis and switch Economics to 4th period. I found out I don't need Math Analysis if I'm going to take Psychology as my major for the college of my choice. I'll replace AP Comp. Sci with AP Statistics and take only 5 classes. That means I can go home early! YAY! I need a little more time to get my homework done early and make sure I'll balance well with the YDAPP internship.

I felt somewhat intimidated over AP English because of what McClure said over committing yourself into taking this course. I hope I'll manage to do well, even though the highest grade anyone can get is a C. McClure admitted he gave one person an 'A' last year and everyone else most likely had a C. I know GPA is important right now, but I'll might as well give this a chance. I'd rather not drop another AP class again and regret later. Besides, English is my strongest subject thus far. I'll have to learn to keep up with the pace.

I'll most likely keep Physics as well. It seems to be an interesting course even though math is involved. My teacher is Filipino and I didn't realize she would notice that I am too after talking about how hispanics's last name are much more easier to remember or pronounce compared to the Koreans because Filipinos were once taken over by the Spaniards. She's pretty chill and gave us a glimpse on what's going to happen later in the semester. I didn't notice that she's pregnant and said she'll be taking a month off next semester while bringing in a suitable sub to take over. There's a whole mess of students for this class. I think it's going to be shorter later on.

For Math Analysis, Dr. K made us introduce ourselves to the class. I was the first to be called and said my name, grade and current plans for college. As soon as I said my plans, Dr. K asked me if I knew which math to take in order to major in psychology. I remember Mr. Moy talked to me about it during lunch and it was Statistics. So my decision into taking AP Stats may just work. It's like, why do I need Math Analysis again (even though I failed a semester)? Bleh. His room smells the same like onions or something. Eww.

Everyone got their textbooks and mini homework assignments to get things started. I felt bad that my friend Lorenzo received 3 textbooks and just thinking on how he had to carry it throughout the whole day was pretty funny. There is a locker you know. I'm thinking of getting a locker too so I won't go through the same. My left shoulder is sore because my bag had my Math Analysis book in it. Ouch.

I wondered what happened with my friend Linda whom I have not spoken to since school ended. I came to realize that I have her for Economics and since I'm planning on switching periods, it sucks. I barely have a class with her and she and I have to talk more. I missed her so much.

During Physics, a lady from UCLA called me from restricted. I picked up and said that she was calling me during class and asked if she can call me later in the afternoon. What pissed me off was when she replied saying "Well then you shouldn't be answering your phone." It's like, YOU CALLED ME SO HOW WOULD I KNOW?! Gahhh -__- She even said it with a bitchy attitude. I dislike people who do such a thing, who doesn't? Next time, unhide your gawddamn number so I'd call back. It wasn't my fault it would be a rep from UCLA. Sheesh. Then again, I feel it's partly my fault too. Whatever. I bet she won't call me back as she said she would. I told Mr. Moy about it after school as we had a long conversation for more than an hour and he said she was being ridiculous.

I got home nearly at 5 pm and I'll start reading the first two sections from chapter one for Physics. Tomorrow, we'll be going into the math formulas. NOOO! & I need to purchase supplies for AP English and Physics.

That was my day. I'm still debating whether or not I should take another elective. I would take Philosophy, but the teacher who is in charge annoys me with her ongoing lectures, especially when I had her for AP World & US History. I'll set this one out.

My Day With Ruby

Before I continue, let me just say HAPPY LABOR DAY to those who are currently employed, but I'm guessing majority of us are school-oriented for now. So anyway...

I slept at 4 am after talking to this guy whom I met on BlogTV by the name of Jeff (I forgot his channel name, but I'll look it up when I can). I talked to him for half an hour along with a few other people, including his sister. She's such a cutie. She and I were insulting him and it was hilarious I tell you. I think it's fun to have a conversation where you exchange insults, but to make humor out of it than to really diss them. It makes it a lot more funner than I thought.

I woke up sometime around 11:30 again (I'm really annoyed waking up at the same exact time). Now that school is officially starting tomorrow, I might as well sleep around 10:30 pm tonight and wake up around 5:45 am-ish. I know people are going to be hogging the bathroom so I might as well beat them to it and have the rest of the time to get ready, a bit of internet, eat and walk to school. Problem is, I think it'll take me an hour to adjust to my sleeping time. I hope it'll be a success *knocks on wood.*

Ruby, one of my close friends texted me around noon and asked if I wanted to go shopping with her. I replied saying sure and had to call my dad to see if he can drop us off to the Grove. He agreed to the idea and Ruby and I met up around 2 pm. I haven't seen that gal for the longest. We walked around the Grove, going window shopping & ate at French Crepes. Their food is to DIE for. I love 'La Napoleon' which consists of this look-a-like tortilla with strawberries, bananas, whip cream and nutella. It's so scrumptious. Last time I tried La Napoleon was last summer when I was at the Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix premiere. I took a picture of it with my phone, but I'm too much of a lazyass to upload, I'll show you how it looks like from the internet:



Yummy, right? I still have the leftovers somewhere.

Then, Ruby and I headed to Barnes and Noble reading magazines. I was reading interview questions with James Franco featured. We encountered the 'Twilight' book series. I was flipping pages, and I thought to myself that this will take me a few days to complete rather than weeks, depending if I can finish on time. I really really need to buy that book before curiousity strikes me in the heart. We stayed there for probably 15-20 minutes and shopped a bit. Ruby did most of the shopping while I paid for the food. I wasn't up for any shopping today and also I didn't bring enough money.

We encountered a couple name Vivian and Yona (yes, that's his actual name) whom we've known since middle school. Vivian goes to my high school after getting kicked out from Fairfax High School for some incident. I said hi to them and Yona gave me this weird look while Vivian waved back. They really have changed just by looking at them, and the amount of acne they have in their face.

After all the walking and chatting, we decided to head to World Market and chilled for a good while. I saw Tim Tams again, except this time it's only the mint & caramel flavor. I didn't see the original flavor there. Ruby and I sat down and talked about senior plans, getting a job, and college. We're still unsure on which college to attend to, but in due time we'll eventually know. It was great talking to her about these things, especially how we haven't seen each other in so long. I hope to hang out with her again soon, most likely the weekends.

Senior year, here I come.